Tuesday, June 30, 2009
My birthday is in July... since my parents are headed to Vegas, they always want to know what I want (i.e., Coach) before they leave... I was feeling so crappy today I almost just ordered the bag myself....
picture here is the brand new Coach I want...
I resisted the urge... it will make my mom happy to buy it for me while shopping in Vegas.
Labels: coach bags
Monday, June 29, 2009
I think I will take a hpt test in the morning as soon as I take my temperature. It will either make me smile or release the anxiety I am feeling about the unknown. tomorrow is cd31 so it would only be 2 days until my period is "expected".
good news or bad news.... I just can't wait any longer...
tomorrow morning I will test.
So I'm on cd30.. I'm driving myself nuts. I am *REALLY* trying not to analyze every little symptom that could be deemed a preg symptom. *sigh* I bought a few boxes of HPT yesterday that were on sale (although my hubby doesn't seem to think they are reliable *another sigh*). Hubby loves me to death and is worried I am getting myself too worked up over my cycle & every little symptom - & he's right.. I just want to be pregnant SO bad...
I still don't understand this temperature chart.. it makes ZERO sense to me.. what exactly does it tell me? I feel nothing - I feel it's just something the doctor can look at - but I analyze every detail trying to see if I can tell anything by it.. like why did my temp jump up some this am??
Quite honestly, I just feel like crying... not sure why.. just really hoping for a good week...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I noticed on Thursday my left ear was starting to hurt... tried not to focus too much on it... but yesterday it was like ringing, hard to ear.. painful to touch... so I drove myself to the local emergency.. where I waited like over an hour.. a woman came in with 4 screaming children & a mcdonalds bag (this is the part where the small of the food made me really nauseous).. but anyhow, I saw the doctor... felt sicker by the time I got back in the quiet room.. so apparently I have an ear infection.. never had one before in my life.. was an annoying day yesterday for me.. I was frustrated/hormonal all day.. my husband was going away for the weekend but stayed home and left this morning.. well, the doctor gave me an antibiotic and ear drops... got home & crashed into bed immediately..
my temps are still up there - but I know that's because of the progesterone pills so I am trying to remain hopeful but not OVERLY excited...
planning to relax today after I run out to the drugstore to get this prescription filled.. stick a blu-ray movie in..
song of the day: Michael Jackson's smooth criminal...
(I remember growing up his videos used to be released in prime-time television.. stuff like that never happens anymore) Am still sorta stunned he passed...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Had some nausea today... I know, I'm driving myself crazy analyzing every little symptom thinking I might be pregnant... I'm trying to remain calm.. I really truly am. It can be so hard. Looking forward to the weekend... to knitting.. I promised one of my clients (12 yr old girl) we could knit together tomorrow for a session... it's a nice feeling, this is a client that has taken so long to warm up to me... it was sweet of her to ask..
Everything is Ok..
I am preparing myself for the fact that my period will show up late next week...
for an anonymous blog, i'm feeling more comfortable sharing some of my identity... here is another pic of my hubby and I...
btw, summer is my LEAST favorite season... this icky hot weather bothers me so much.. I love the fall&winter.. I share the love of these seasons with my husband...
RIP Michael Jackson... I grew up listening to the amazing tunes!!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
I'll admit, when it comes to my fertility, I lack hope.. why? because there has been such disappointment in the past... I'm feeling hopeful this month.. don't know if there is a specific reason or what...
I saw something special today that nearly made me cry.. it's work-related so I can't really blog about it.. but I have a client, a girl I work with who I strongly advocate for... and I witnessed something really special for her today!
my temperature went back up again this morning.... i SOOOOOOO do not understand these Body Basal Temperature thingies.... *sigh* I need to get a book on this stuff at the library or something...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A little easier to handle since it's a 'dad' day.... we had our large family here... my husband's brother just had twins - they had to do IVF to get their twins... but one was sick, one was here. I had about 11 people here... I just love my little nieces.. I just want to hold them and hold them... Only one was here.. but here I was, saw they were here, I went out to get the baby out of the car.. yeah, i know... i hadn't seen her in a month. they will soon be 6 months. The more I hold her, the more I want one... sigh... I do well for a certain time period... then I get a little emotional.. try to keep it in check (YES - i AM working on that) but i want to be a mommy so bad..
here is a photo of my hair... well, the last cut, not this one.. but it's a general idea of the style.
I'm also thinking of getting a bikini wax... we'll see....
Prometrium makes me so tired.. and is affecting my temps - but I Was told not to worry. I really hope that's true.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Side effects weren't as bad today. I feel better about some things I've blogged about lately. Clarification is always good.
I found myself thinking about wanting to be pregnant so bad today... It's hard not to take it day by day.. and I know now to stress people so much with the serious nature of my moods / all the little details. I have to follow up again with the person who knows of a infertility support group. I think it would greatly help.
I fed ALL the birds today... for my kitties to watch from the window thus the picture of the bird. I love hearing my kitties meow at the window as they stare at the birdies..
and in OTHER great news, I got my hair cut, new blond highlights and my eye brows waxed today...
just trying to relax. lots to do tonight/tomorrow morning as we have family coming in for Father's Day...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Taking 100mg 4 times per day. We'll see how it goes. We just keep 'baby dancing' every night. I have some hope.
More than I have had in the past.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
As you can see, my temperature stayed up this morning. :)
Something to smile about...
The lyrics got to me this morning.... so much going on.. I don't pray much..
but I pray for you & this situation. I wish I could offer my help but I can't since we haven't talked in over a year.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
(not a fan of this video ----but hard to find something that wasn't copyrighted)
Lyrics are amazing --I think many can relate.. I know I can...
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
So I was thinking about this for some time today. I apologize pretty frequently. and I'm a girl who uses google for oh, everything.... so I found this:
Why We Apologize Too Much, and How to Stop
The article was quite informative to me.... the premise is this:
"Many women make apologizing a habit -- either to avoid conflict, to please others, or simply as a social crutch".
so i thought after just that intro before even reading the article... I realized I do it to please others & occasionally to avoid conflict. (although I freely admit I do it to please others 90% of the time).
I can't read minds...
I never know if I've messed up, I totally own up when I screw up.. so I apologize. It's not a fake apology. I mean it. I feel bad when I feel I've screwed up, said the wrong thing (I ALWAYS feel like I say the wrong things & make a fool out of myself) & am potentially offending someone I care about.. so I apologize to please. in a way, the crazy thought is I need to immediately apologize so I don't push the person away in whatever stupid thing I may have said. (yeah, i typically say alot of dumb things.. but that's a different thing I have to work on). I drive people insane with these apologies.
I will apologize to avoid conflict with someone I care about. Sometimes the battle isn't worth fighting so I give in.... I'm better at picking and choosing my battles than I used to be....
I've lost so many friends in the past year so I have to look deep inside myself and find out why... some were never REAL friends.. some used me.. but the fact is they aren't there now... so I went wrong somewhere... and now, I developed this habit of apologizing to please because I don't want to lose the people I have in my life right now... If you're reading this (well, nobody READS this... lol lol) you'll be able to tell I'm kinda girly/silly/emotional/somewhat crazy... *shrug*.
~~Am I communicating a message about dominance and submission in the relationship and placing myself in the lower position because I apologize???
~~~Am I coming across weak?? " Apologies are taken as a sign of weakness."
***OK, so that article came from a feminist point of view.. of which I am not what I'd consider a feminist.. In fact, likely the opposite as I look up to men. I never said I wasn't old-fashioned.
I also found this last piece informative because it fits ME exactly.... apologizing is a habit, i get scared to offend, can be on eggshells with people and lastly, I find it easier to always blame myself...
I want to be a better ME...
I'm going through alot...
I'm terrible at shutting people out when I need them the most...
partly due to fear..
it's scary to think of burning someone out..
so they don't want to deal with you anymore..
it's easier to hide. This IS another of my flaws.
Lately I find myself quieter with friends..
keeping things to myself that I wouldn't have in the past...
you can only expect so much from any (1) friend... so I'm so careful..
Took Femara a little bit ago... first night, 4 to go. Just feeling a little tired now..
I might just hop into bed with a book..
This is what I am reading...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Work is pretty crazy so I was glad to make it to my RE appointment on-time today at 1:30.
I sooooo enjoyed my lovely female exam... hahaha...
I'm so used to it now it doesn't even bother me much.
The doctor gave me (3) different prescriptions.
*Femara, 2.5 mg, starting cd4 (tomorrow), to take for 5 days.
an HCG shot to get filled so she can give it to me when I come back for my mid-cycle ultrasound... (more about that below)
AND... more prometrium.... sigh... (this isn't a fun drug). Apparently it's supposed to be taken after I ovulate for some reason, but I will have to get more info on that LATER.... I'm just focused on the Femara starting tomorrow. It's supposed to have less side effects than Clomid... so I'm keeping my fingers crosses and hoping I do OK on it.
getting that HCG shot is kinda difficult tho.. my insurance for prescriptions, Caremark, I think has to MAIL it to me... weird.... *shrug* Will try to get more info on that in the next day or 2.
My RE hands me this pages of charts.. i'm like... oh, lovely... they are Basal Body Temperature Charts. Yeah, fun... every morning, before I get out of bed, I get to take my temperature and leave the "special" thermometer in my mouth for 3 minutes. *rolling eyes*
I have to do it... I have to bring these charts to all my appointments now. So excited.
(Note the exciting example of how a "chart" looks here in the blog entry)
I will go back on June 12th at 7:30am for a mid-cycle ultrasound to get that SHOT and to see what my eggs are doing, are they maturing? are we close to ovulation?
Monday, June 1, 2009
I loved you first, I loved you first
~Everything just isn't black and white~