Friday, July 31, 2009

the past week....


It's not been the best week... tomorrow is day 7 of 7 working in a row.. so I'm pretty exhausted.. no, it's not for extra money.. it's for events we have at work.. I will take the comp time.. I have Tuesday off, (thank goodness).. tomorrow will be crazy with people everywhere.. it'll take all the patience in the world, I imagine...

I've noticed I've just started bottling it up. My feelings, that is. It truly feels like nobody understands.. and whenever I do try to explain, I always end up feeling like it was ME who messed up in trying to explain.. ah, my favorite defense mechanism, just silencing myself/internalizing... and yeah, I'm the one who has her Masters in Social Work, does therapy/case management to help others.. and my emotions are a mess...

don't get me wrong, I hide it well. I am EXCELLENT at putting on the front.. behaving as if life is perfect and maintaining complete professionalism.. I just notice lately that nobody.. even the people that really get me seem to even notice..

I don't have close friends at work for obvious reasons.. I like alot of my co-workers but have been burned in the past leaving a job and the friends I thought were very close just dropping all contact so my co-workers don't even notice that for at least the past 3 weeks I just sit in my office alone at lunch. I work out in the "country" so there isn't anywhere to really go.... so I just sit quietly, listening to music, thinking... some notice I'm not as talkative.. like 2 co-workers (and my boss) know I'm seeing a fertility doctor. Yeah, they all have toddlers... so that's hard.

It's hard. I try.

Every morning I get up. I am grateful for my husband & our life. But I want more - maybe that's really selfish... the more is wanting a close friend all over again.. not like I can advertise for this.. I've always been a girl that's had a ton of friends.. never an issue.. but with growth&being burned - I've forced myself not to trust so easily, to be careful.. not be as naive as I once was... and while my husband is really supportive.. I want that best friend.. the friend just for me.. not a friend I share with my husband (i.e., a mutual friend or a couple we hang with)... isn't this what we're all looking for?? I feel pretty pathetic even acknowledging this because I don't know how to find that person.. It's pretty rare for me to let someone in deep... maybe I'm losing it..
I know I'm really tired..

My husband and I will see our RE on Tuesday, August 4th. Hopefully next cycle I will ovulate.

I think I'm going to crawl into bed now and either read or knit...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


It appears I will not ovulate at all this month. No follicles even at this point today. She doesn't seem to think that I will ovulate at all.... It's all very sad... and I cried upon leaving. It feels nobody understands. I do not even understand it myself.

I guess next month we'll increase the medication. I'm so down..

I love my husband. But even he doesn't know what to say... one of my best friends is about to not be my best friend anymore --at least that is how it feels --all he&I do is fight all the time --and the fighting has went on for weeks..

Every month it gets harder and harder to take this.. I don't know what to do. It's stressful to know what step to take moving forward..

Luckily I have one more day off this week... my regular annual at the obgyn.. so lovely..

Friday, July 17, 2009

Confused, sad, upset....


I had my mid-cycle ultrasound this morning... well, it appears I may have ALREADY ovulated.... wtf??? My temp went up on day 11... shot up again this morning... we'll monitor the temperature this weekend and if it stays up, I O'd. Sigh.... I feel like crying.

If it goes down...may be able to salvage the cycle..

Thursday, July 16, 2009

It's been a rough day...


Nothing fertility wise... just your run-of-the-mill crappy day.

I don't know what to do with this friend of mine..
I just don't. It hurts... and it's driving me insane...

i hope the loooong weekend away helps.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

this is where I'm at...

Today is cd12... I've taken the Femara for the month although I think I had more side effects... had some emotional meltdowns...

Parts of me feel sad. It is kind-of hard for everything to remain normal with my friends. gosh, even my parents. My dad doesn't understand. One of my male best friends is dealing with his own crap so he gets irritated with every little word I say. I'm stressed. I was in tears yesterday.

I try so hard to be hopeful. It can just be exhausting. Some of me just wants to give up.. and say 'oh well'... My husband is supportive but I know these moods get to him...

i HAVE taken up my knitting again though.. I'm working on socks... and I plan to try and make some for gifts to some of my most-loved ones... however, getting their shoe size COULD be difficult... haha.... using a Vogue Knitting Book

Am going away for the weekend with my husband's entire extended family so I will be bringing knitting to work on as the "itinerary" calls for alot of visits to wineries that I Can't really participate in because I can't even drink.

I am seeing my RE on Friday, 9:30am to have my mid-cycle ultrasound and potentially get the HcG shot...

more about my upcoming weekend away later!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July!!!

What a Lovely day to begin my period...

so today is CD 1. Cramps.... etc..... GRRRR...

I'm seeing the fertility doctor on Monday, July 6th... starting over again...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Fade Into You...

Song of the day: Fade Into You...

This cycle is over.

Blood work confirmed what we knew. I am not pregnant. I have an appointment with my RE on Monday July 6th to discuss the meds for next cycle. I think we'll do the same. But they also check for any cysts so that'll be a fun exam....

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

a sorta fairytale...

Which is decidedly the song of the day...

This song... as with many... has many interpretations..

take from it what you wish.. I know what it means to me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Blood Test tomorrow morning at the lab.. Can't wait to just get it over. I haven't cried - still taking the dumb progesterone pills - temp still high (DUE to those progesterone pills) and not pregnant....

I wonder why the pain is so intense month after month... I hope it won't be like that.. It was told to me it will happen when it happens... that I hope for...

;;