Monday, June 12, 2017

my happy ending ladies.

I find myself looking at this journey today and wanting to share with you what happened to me. I was going to edit the hell out of this and delete this entire thing and made a conscious decision not to do so.. why is that?  Well, i know what I went through and the amount of online research I did when given many "terms" used in this blog. The "cd" and "ttc" and "BBT" and "clomid" (likely the most evil drug known to man which my body battled and fought for months), "femara" (also evil, used for cancer and ferility ladies), "prometrium" (if u somehow randomly found this in your journey, please send me a message and I'll tell u the hell prometriun is, but that the drug works) "glucophage" (another evil drug, see a trend, also used for diabetics) "IUI", "endometriosis"  "PCOS" and "pain" "lonely" "sad".  

It's 2017. So my world is slightly different. 

To all women of the world of infertility. Do not give up. I know the fight is real. I battled it for years. My miracle came true. He arrived on November 20, 2012. It happens. It really does. :)

My son initially spent 6 weeks in the NICU and wow did I learn about strength. Strength I didn't even know I had. It appeared. If you have found this and absorbed it is pretty obvious I use music to process emotion and it gets me through any challenge. I grow through the music...  Every painful event. Ladies, if u are TTC, find something that lifts your heart to make it to the next day in the cycle. Through the evil 2ww.... allow the music to move your soul...  there is much pain in infertility. Find some smiles and joy.  I listened to everything and even the painful stuff moved me from day to day... 

So I have a crazy intense wild 4 yo son that I love and adore... if u have found my journey through random searches on the drugs or the terms, I will tell u it gets better...  I found my heart. I have it ladies. Nothing compares.  And I KNOW hearing that burns. I didn't want to hear a word from parents joy in my battle.    Just know you'll find yourself.....  

This was anonymous. For many reasons. But my name is Mel. I'm now a single mother. It's on me and that's 100% OK at the moment.  I have my son now..  as crazy as it is. I have him. 

I blogged so much about wanting that deep friendship. It was partly wanting that connection to someone who understood and I found her. She's amazing and understood my infertility battle like no other because she has her own. I no longer have that void. I have amazing girlfriends...  they make my entire world. I felt the world was against me. I cried and cried. I don't cry like that anymore. The pain you read here is no more.  I truly found my soul sister.  Ok, now I *might* cry...  she's never read this and I hadn't in years myself so I may send this to her.....   so I recommend getting online because in 2017, there are so many more resources.  Recommend "Meetup" and that's where I found my mommy groups.  

I won't write here again. I'm going to just post this ending to my intense cry-filled battle. And if anyone reads this and has taken Clomid or Prometrium? Await the hormones and tears girl. It's not even manageable.  I went to Acupuncture. It didn't get me pregnant but has fabulous benefits. I was told to knit. So I knit to relax. I used the music. I read books. I burned candles. I devoted energy into cards. I tried it all. Any relaxing thing out there. Find an infertility support group. They help. Other women get it. None of my sports friends understood. Only women who had the battle. I literally grew through pain.  Internal strength found. 

Ok, as in usual fashion most days it appears I did...  I'll end and lock this entire blog with a final "song of the day". 
It's fitting really I end with the woman I found during this battle who is basically known as the voice of the times to most and to me, queen...  Adele.  The "sweetest devotion".  The song is so moving and on most days could put me to tears if I think on it's true meaning... it's absolutely beautiful... 
I wish any woman reading this the strength to push forward every single day and have hope. Never let go of the hope... 

xoxo........  Mel.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Cosmic Love

Loving this newer artist (newer to the U.S.) Florence & the Machine.

I can't help but get an overwhelming feeling that no matter how bad things are or could get in the future maybe....just maybe everything is going to be alright.

I believe this song is trying to hit the listener's spiritual side. my interpretation, others will be different.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I'm much better. well, most days. It's been 5 months and about 10 days. I do not keep track. I try to forget the entire debacle. I miss her. I wonder about her. Today, I re-gained some of the power I had thought I lost in my heart. She told me she loved me & knows the whole story. I said nothing. I can't. But the knowing, just the knowing.. wow.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I'd never imagined it would end like this.

In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next.

I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth.

My days used to revolve around you... Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away.

I look back with regret.. Why didn't I see this?? I see it all now. Every little piece.

i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life.

I will remember the moments...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Light..

"and you say, it'll be alright.. i'm gonna trust you, i'm gonna look in your eyes.
I'd follow you into the light."

this song makes me cry which naturally makes it my song of the day..

I feel pretty closed off, closed down right now..

It's a rainy day in Michigan and from someone at home, who left their job 5 weeks ago for reasons I can't write about just yet, I think I will read.. I've got a pile right now. I'm reading "Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin who is very good.

Friday, September 3, 2010

that was it..

Trevor came to get me. I was frozen, really. Nothing could get me to walk out on my own. And I cried. I cried for the loss..

Monday, August 30, 2010

It doesn't matter.......

Doesn't matter what I want..... as a social worker.. this makes me wish and then feel sad I can't save all of them...

doesn't matter what I need.. or if I cry.....

this song just makes me think of my job... and the people I cannot save.. no matter how much I Want too..