tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16198825409076596002024-03-05T06:16:20.427-05:00My home is where my story begins.....This is the story of the trials & tribulations of trying to
concieve a baby while diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis.....melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.comBlogger179125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-33401039707610697762017-06-12T12:35:00.002-04:002017-06-12T12:36:00.124-04:00my happy ending ladies. <div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">I
find myself looking at this journey today and wanting to share with you
what happened to me. I was going to edit the hell out of this and delete this entire thing
and made a conscious decision not to do so.. why is that? Well, i know
what I went through and the amount of online research I did when given
many "terms" used in this blog. The "cd" and "ttc" and "BBT" and
"clomid" (likely the most evil drug known to man which my body battled
and fought for months), "femara" (also evil, used for cancer and
ferility ladies), "prometrium" (if u somehow randomly found this in your
journey, please send me a message and I'll tell u the hell prometriun
is, but that the drug works) "glucophage" (another evil drug, see a
trend, also used for diabetics) "IUI", "endometriosis" "PCOS" and
"pain" "lonely" "sad". </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">It's 2017. So my world is slightly different. </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">To
all women of the world of infertility. Do not give up. I know the fight
is real. I battled it for years. My miracle came true. He arrived on
November 20, 2012. It happens. It really does. :)</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">My
son initially spent 6 weeks in the NICU and wow did I learn about
strength. Strength I didn't even know I had.<span style="color: #0000ee;"><u> </u></span>It appeared. If you have
found this and absorbed it is pretty obvious I use music to process
emotion and it gets me through any challenge. I grow through the
music... Every painful event. Ladies, if u are TTC, find something that
lifts your heart to make it to the next day in the cycle. Through the
evil 2ww.... allow the music to move your soul... there is much pain in
infertility. Find some smiles and joy. I listened to everything and
even the painful stuff moved me from day to day... </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">So
I have a crazy intense wild 4 yo son that I love and adore... if u have
found my journey through random searches on the drugs or the terms, I
will tell u it gets better... I found my heart. I have it ladies.
Nothing compares. And I KNOW hearing that burns. I didn't want to hear a
word from parents joy in my battle. Just know you'll find
yourself..... </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">This
was anonymous. For many reasons. But my name is Mel. I'm now a single
mother. It's on me and that's 100% OK at the moment. I have my son
now.. as crazy as it is. I have him. </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">I
blogged so much about wanting that deep friendship. It was partly
wanting that connection to someone who understood and I found her. She's
amazing and understood my infertility battle like no other because she
has her own. I no longer have that void. I have amazing girlfriends...
they make my entire world. I felt the world was against me. I cried and
cried. I don't cry like that anymore. The pain you read here is no
more. I truly found my soul sister. Ok, now I *might* cry... she's
never read this and I hadn't in years myself so I may send this to
her..... so I recommend getting online because in 2017, there are so
many more resources. Recommend "Meetup" and that's where I found my
mommy groups. </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">I
won't write here again. I'm going to just post this ending to my intense
cry-filled battle. And if anyone reads this and has taken Clomid or
Prometrium? Await the hormones and tears girl. It's not even manageable.
I went to Acupuncture. It didn't get me pregnant but has fabulous
benefits. I was told to knit. So I knit to relax. I used the music. I
read books. I burned candles. I devoted energy into cards. I tried it
all. Any relaxing thing out there. Find an infertility support group.
They help. Other women get it. None of my sports friends understood.
Only women who had the battle. I literally grew through pain. Internal
strength found. </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">Ok, as in usual fashion most days it appears I did... I'll end and lock this entire blog with a final "song of the day". </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">It's
fitting really I end with the woman I found during this battle who is
basically known as the voice of the times to most and to me, queen...
Adele. The "sweetest devotion". The song is so moving and on most
days could put me to tears if I think on it's true meaning... it's
absolutely beautiful... </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">I wish any woman reading this the strength to push forward every single day and have hope. Never let go of the hope... </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1">xoxo........ Mel. </span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><span class="m_277982574292104604Apple-converted-space"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1" style="text-align: center;">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><span class="m_277982574292104604Apple-converted-space"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-MQNDmw9p8">Sweetest Devotion. Adele. </a></span></span></div>
<div class="m_277982574292104604p1">
<span class="m_277982574292104604s1"><span class="m_277982574292104604Apple-converted-space"><br /></span></span></div>
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melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-55284611769157914572011-05-31T23:37:00.002-04:002011-05-31T23:45:05.787-04:00Cosmic LoveLoving this newer artist (newer to the U.S.) Florence & the Machine.<br /><br />I can't help but get an overwhelming feeling that no matter how bad things are or could get in the future maybe....just maybe everything is going to be alright.<br /><br /><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2EIeUlvHAiM" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe><br /><br /><br />I believe this song is trying to hit the listener's spiritual side. my interpretation, others will be different.melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-20266405160319916742011-02-09T14:54:00.002-05:002011-02-09T15:12:04.168-05:00Today is February 9th, 2011. & this is where I am.I'm much better. well, most days. It's been 5 months and about 10 days. I do not keep track. I try to forget the entire debacle. I miss her. I wonder about her. Today, I re-gained some of the power I had thought I lost in my heart. She told me she loved me & knows the whole story. I said nothing. I can't. But the knowing, just the knowing.. wow.melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-10388347830841077232010-11-04T12:15:00.004-04:002010-11-04T13:51:46.046-04:00It's been 8 weeks and a day...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDZMZMhBs9J-V874uCmpWzr332uBIxARWPVicmtXFr-EIcA429dppLgLKHIdpEb5ijRt_eJAxax4GDHfpOu3M5fC2YzT5WzQy6xk8UQBnPx-OCRGqafRwEwdy7S2dHZgSoH7ejSFUfDRrd/s1600/flower+in+concrete.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 261px; height: 174px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDZMZMhBs9J-V874uCmpWzr332uBIxARWPVicmtXFr-EIcA429dppLgLKHIdpEb5ijRt_eJAxax4GDHfpOu3M5fC2YzT5WzQy6xk8UQBnPx-OCRGqafRwEwdy7S2dHZgSoH7ejSFUfDRrd/s200/flower+in+concrete.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535730294944757394" border="0" /></a><br />Time....<br /><br />I'd never imagined it would end like this.<br /><br />In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next.<br /><br />I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth.<br /><br />My days used to revolve around <span style="font-style: italic;">you...</span> Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away.<br /><br />I look back with regret.. <span style="font-style: italic;">Why didn't I see this??</span> I see it all now. Every little piece.<br /><br />i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I will remember the moments... </span>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-70476019860695825992010-10-13T16:27:00.003-04:002010-10-13T16:50:06.229-04:00The Light..<object height="385" width="640"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/H2mKdIhU_QQ?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/H2mKdIhU_QQ?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="640"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />"and you say, it'll be alright.. i'm gonna trust you, i'm gonna look in your eyes.<br />I'd follow you into the light."<br /><br />this song makes me cry which naturally makes it my song of the day..<br /><br /><br />I feel pretty closed off, closed down right now..<br /><br />It's a rainy day in Michigan and from someone at home, who left their job 5 weeks ago for reasons I can't write about just yet, I think I will read.. I've got a pile right now. I'm reading "Heart of the Matter" by <a href="http://www.emilygiffin.com/index.php">Emily Giffin</a> who is very good.melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-18910898970227302182010-09-03T23:24:00.000-04:002010-10-13T17:32:24.120-04:00that was it..<span style="font-size:100%;">Trevor came to get me. I was frozen, really. Nothing could get me to walk out on my own. And I cried. I cried for the loss..</span>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-15499762543018110112010-08-30T17:25:00.003-04:002010-08-30T17:32:04.866-04:00It doesn't matter.......Doesn't matter what I want..... as a social worker.. this makes me wish and then feel sad I can't save all of them...<br /><br />doesn't matter what I need.. or if I cry..... <br /><br />this song just makes me think of my job... and the people I cannot save.. no matter how much I Want too..<br /><br /><br /><object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IJ6wEtUm8Nw?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IJ6wEtUm8Nw?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-55089739229604083852010-07-21T12:45:00.000-04:002010-07-25T12:46:48.557-04:00I would die for that...I'd give anything for a baby.. will be seeing new Fertility Doctor tomorow.<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JqfGqOx2iDQ&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JqfGqOx2iDQ&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-44226363840891494942010-07-13T21:13:00.001-04:002010-07-13T21:16:33.350-04:00I will follow you......I will follow you into the dark... I hope to always be this close..<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dniVqDTwOds&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dniVqDTwOds&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-79247429504862206352010-07-12T23:16:00.000-04:002010-07-13T21:35:43.085-04:00Wow.... an appointment.We officially have an appointment with a new RE doctor Thursday July 22.2010<br /><br />I cannot believe i am even excited about THIS as progress but I am since I have waited so long!melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-2261829652559730342010-07-11T17:05:00.005-04:002010-07-11T20:15:57.690-04:00Making Something Negative Beautiful...because you're not sorryI won't be taken advantage of. I won't be used. I am so much stronger that than. I'm more than something to be used when "needed".... Change is coming.. "you're not sorry anymore".....<br /><br />The lyrics spell it all out...<br /><br />"I've been giving out chances every time<br />And all you do is let me down"<br /><br />"and it's taken me this long, but I've figured you out."<br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5s3GUZiY39Y&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5s3GUZiY39Y&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />It's just time to move on...melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-11594717743577018452010-07-07T22:36:00.001-04:002010-07-07T22:54:03.549-04:00Where do you want to be in 5 years?I was asked this today... I was offered an opportunity to come up with an idea.. I need to think, find my trusted sources and write it out...melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-40332371280862028342010-07-07T22:29:00.001-04:002010-07-07T22:33:44.258-04:00"I AM"If there ever was a song of the day that truly TRULY depicted me, this is it....<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/1uuKNxPxHH8&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/1uuKNxPxHH8&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-13920655676623416802010-06-24T22:51:00.002-04:002010-06-24T22:54:38.770-04:00Taking a day to reset.....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://morningbounce.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/confusion.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 213px; height: 270px;" src="http://morningbounce.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/confusion.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />I'm taking the day off tomorrow to reset... do *some* laundry, *some* cleaning, *some* shopping, etc....<br /><br />Get some good thinking in & listen to some good music....melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-88919782081656091132010-06-24T17:26:00.003-04:002010-06-24T17:52:55.105-04:00"I don't know what to be without you around"she came to see me yesterday, put her headphones on me and said, listen to this, it's kinda how I feel about you. "Never simple, never easy" she said to me.. It was a CD I'd let her borrow a few months ago before any of this began. "Never wanted this, Never wanted to see you hurt".<br />"People are people and sometimes things don't work out"... and the worst "Nobody's here to save me". I wouldn't let myself cry.. but damn, she has matured so much in the past year it kills me to know how much she loves me. She has said "You're the only one who loves me"; "you're my best friend" and I work so hard on not crossing boundaries, not caring too much.. but the truth of the matter is I love this girl. I can't control what happens, where she goes.. but I know I've left an impact on her heart.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PnXrfksTjZ8&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PnXrfksTjZ8&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />There are lyrics I want say back to her "<em>But it's killing me to see you go after all this time</em>" but I don't think I can.. I feel so torn..<br /><br />She came in and checked in with me today per her usual.. and said "I'm sorry" "I'm sorry". It was all I could do to just hug her and cry right with her.<br /><br />We'll use what time we have for closure (it seems now to being heading that way) and I'll work on letting go.melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-32718092384323160872010-06-23T15:34:00.000-04:002010-06-24T18:36:16.481-04:0010 days until our vacation to Las Vegas<a href="http://www.lasvegas-discounthotels.com/las-vegas-hotels/US11771_0.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 274px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 272px; CURSOR: hand" border="0" alt="" src="http://www.lasvegas-discounthotels.com/las-vegas-hotels/US11771_0.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-78317034438468406332010-06-17T17:54:00.001-04:002010-06-24T18:17:40.960-04:00It's the beauty of confession...I hate feeling so lonely. Is it just me?<br /><br />I used to feel like I had so many friends.. but I'm past the point of wanting surface level friends, I want someone who gets me at a much deeper level..<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wz9YsFgNka0&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wz9YsFgNka0&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-88168267883116734372010-06-01T16:03:00.000-04:002010-06-24T18:04:53.442-04:00Beginning of the month, I give you "Only Hope"<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0ofeDruIwTM&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0ofeDruIwTM&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-16790873039750971482010-05-19T07:40:00.000-04:002010-06-24T18:38:55.857-04:00Someone new.. this is scaryStarting to see a therapist this morning.. wish me luck.. I need some objective views on everything.melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-17321163415596293582010-04-12T12:49:00.000-04:002010-04-29T12:51:59.618-04:00Our Fertility Office is officially closed....<a href="http://www.figt.org/slide/img3.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 116px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 134px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.figt.org/slide/img3.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Our fertility office is officially closed... sigh... which means once my husband has healed.. we must search for a new doctor.. & the closest locations are at least 1 hour away... lovely, eh?</div>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-83424587655380935162010-03-31T22:44:00.001-04:002011-05-28T13:32:36.410-04:00The madness of MY march.......I wrote this for my husband... our life has been pretty rough over the past 6 weeks...<br /><br />looking at my last post, this health situation started (2) days later...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">This is generally a favorite time of the year for my husband and I. We're extreme MSU fans.. and instead of excitedly watching the days and days of the basketball madness.... we've been dealing with a much more difficult thing... life in a hospital room.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Trevor's hospitalization has changed me.. changed him.. changed our marriage. While I can say I never imagined having to sponge bathe my husband, I did it. He needed me. & we kissed, laughed some at the situation.. and he said, "You must love me so much for being here, caring for me". I never thought of the alternative. He's my life.. this is why I say our marriage changed through this process.. I don't think we've ever been closer... Hearing my husband tell me "I was put on this earth to be with you" has forever changed me. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> This process has taught us not to take one another for granted. and shown us just how strong our love truly is...</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> I've always been the weaker one.. Trevor has always taken care of me.. but I've become stronger.. I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried... I have. ALOT.. but I've been able to become strong in his presence and be the strong one.. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> A friend told me a few weeks back I was stronger than I thought I was. I didn't believe it. I do now. I didn't think I'd make it through the emotional aspect of his surgeries.. I was able to. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> My tears in private. My tears in bed.. once he was asleep in his hospital bed.. I would cry in the bed the staff at Sparrow gave me. We've lived in that hospital for 22 days today.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> and tomorrow, april begins... and if he has a good night, he will come home to me tomorrow.. for the next phase of this journey.. healing. Yes, I will have help from visiting nurses, my mother, friends.. but I know we'll get through this together.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> This has been a very lonely time for me. I've been very scared. I've been afraid to open up about how difficult this has truly been until now.. I'm tired. Exhausted really. I'm so thankful my mother will be here with us all weekend because I need the rest. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> I know we're on the right path and I want to thank everyone who has visited us, sent a card, flowers, gifts, notes, kind sentiments... you'll never know how much we needed them & how much they meant to us.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> In Love, Mel</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> and to my dearest Trevor.. i will never leave your side. We are forever bound. and no matter how much we cry as we heal, we will be together. Forever and always.. I love you, baby.</span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#%21/note.php?note_id=378927251683">The Madness of My March...</a>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-43700649691602032312010-02-15T20:32:00.002-05:002010-02-15T20:43:21.884-05:00hi.So hi there.. i am just finishing a three-day weekend. Just doesn't seem long enough. Not feeling completely motivated to start my week because it is going to be really insane again but I know I have to approach the stress a different way.<br /><br />I had a good day. Went to the spa. Got my hair cut & highlighted.. I really needed it.. Also got my eyebrows waxed and something <span style="font-style: italic;">else</span> waxed.. haha.. Hey, I'll try anything once... that's my philosophy.<br /><br />My husband asked me 3 times today if I ordered the fertility monitor so I ordered it tonight from amazon -2 day shipping for free... so it will be here for my next cycle.. It would be a shock if this cycle ended in pregnancy. I'm so pessimistic now.. I hope this monitor helps us with knowing when our peak fertile days are. It was nice to see him so eager for me to order this.<br /><br />And my song of the day: Chasing Pirates by Norah Jones.. because well, i feel this way sometimes late at night...<br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6hPx5v7h6bY&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6hPx5v7h6bY&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />Beautiful Lyrics:<br />"In your message you said, you were goin' to bed, but I'm not done with the night.<br />So I stayed up and read, but your words in my head, got me mixed up so I turned out the light.<br /><br />And I, don't know how, to slow it down.<br />My mind's racing from chasing pirates. "melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-49680089299353660022010-02-14T11:47:00.003-05:002010-02-14T12:01:24.871-05:00Mid-cycle...So we've been trying alot on our own this month.. strongly considering purchasing the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Clearblue-Easy-Fertility-Monitor/dp/B0000532QB/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1266166070&sr=8-1">Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor</a>. The reviews seem pretty good. Some good, some bad.. how will I know unless I try it. Seems like it might help pinpoint more of when I am most fertile which is something we clearly struggle with due to my irregular periods and length of cycles. My husband seems supportive of us buying and trying this product. I want to do a little more research, though.<br /><br />It's getting harder everywhere I look to see people with babies because I want one so bad. I want to be a mommy. Every passing month it breaks my heart a little more.<br /><br />and when I feel like this, I listen to my favorite song....<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/u1Ljf_Lwd0U&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/u1Ljf_Lwd0U&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-2998505517612290942010-01-20T14:46:00.005-05:002010-01-20T14:50:56.161-05:00I need this NOW...........<a href="http://z.about.com/d/goflorida/1/0/q/_/wdw_resorts_grandfloridian.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 462px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 262px" alt="" src="http://z.about.com/d/goflorida/1/0/q/_/wdw_resorts_grandfloridian.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />2 days... Grand Floridian Resort and Spa pictured.<br /><br />I'm about to lose my freaking mind.. I need a vacation so damned bad. I need to focus on my myself for a change... rather than everyone else... I'm the worst people pleaser... and right about now, I just need to take care of what's good for ME....<br /><br /><br /><br /><div align="left"> </div>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1619882540907659600.post-13993126005067553062010-01-19T10:44:00.008-05:002010-01-19T15:15:36.203-05:00It's been awhile....<span style="font-family:georgia;">So.. the blog is helpful for me to process many things.. but it's also a reminder of what isn't here... a baby.. a pregnancy.. I'm on cd43. I obviously didn't ovulate this month.. who knows when I will get a period.. it's incredibly frustrating.. I need to take the prometrium hormone so I can have a period.. i've taken a ton of time off the fertility medicine.. AFTER this upcoming cycle, we'll get going again.. both my husband and I have baby fever even more than normal... it's such a rough feeling to have.. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I had to make a tough decision recently.. it's still fresh.. it's never easy to end a friendship. Especially someone you've talked to for a pretty long time.. & in typical "me" fashion, music always helps me through a tough situation. This will take some time for me to move forward from.. It helps that I am going on an amazing vacation to Walt Disney World and staying at the <a href="http://www.executivetraveler.net/execdestinations_dest.php?propid=97">Grand Floridian Resort and Spa</a> for 7 amazing nights and 8 days, leaving this Friday, January 22nd.. It will be a wonderful time with my husband and help me leave behind a friendship that has had to end... </span><br /><div></div><div align="center">Here is a picture of the amazing lobby that makes me smile:</div><div><span style="font-family:georgia;"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 298px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://static0.travelandleisure.com/images/amexpub/0007/6474/200907-a-disneygrandfloridianfl.jpg" border="0" /></span><br /></div><br /><div>so....this is the song below... I guess it could be viewed differently by any number of people... I think of it as a friendship song.. but could define the ending of any friendship... like the <a href="http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858746346/">lyrics </a>state... "People are people....But it's killing me to see you go... It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see" "and it hurts to lose a friend..." "Sorry" </div><div></div><div></div><div>It makes me cry.. but I process my emotions through my tears... I always have.. The lyrics just SPEAK to me about moving through this.. "And we know it's never simple" "Never a clean break..............No one here to save me"</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>the lines that make me cry:</div><div>"Never wanted this</div><div>Never wanna see you hurt</div><div>Every little bump in the road</div><div>I tried to swerve"<br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PnXrfksTjZ8&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><br /><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PnXrfksTjZ8&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div><div></div><div>This will be really tough for me... it's not easy, it hurts to lose someone you'd opened up to so much, no matter what type of friend.. and someone I'd turn to for advice.. (someone who knows me "Like the back of my hand") it leaves an empty void for sure & I wonder how I'll bounce back.. nobody <em>ever</em> said finding new friends was easy.. otherwise I'd just open the damned phonebook.... </div><div> </div><div>"But I have to breathe without you" </div><div>If only there were some way to make this easy... make me forget every mistake I made.. make me wish I didn't make the same mistakes as I've always made... makes me wish I hadn't opened up so much, so easily... </div>melissaabarneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11952624480302195625noreply@blogger.com0