My home is where my story begins.....

I had my lab work done today for the month so hopefully I will get some decent news. Plan to talk to my obgyn later this week to discuss taking some time off Clomid. Maybe looking into alternative medications like injectables.

It's been a really tough few weeks (ok, let's be honest... it's been a few rough months) for me. I'm really worn down on the Clomid. I've been pretty emotionally worn down. Crying, sad, moody, irritable... it's made me sick... combined with the fact that I've not gotten a progesterone level of over 5 since starting. I'm supposedly "fertile" this week.. I never know when I really ovulate.. but I had migraines.. then food poisoning.. so I guess we'll try the next several days.. but I'm pretty down about it. I feel like I need a break for sure. I am going to talk to my obgyn at the end of this cycle to see if I can stop Clomid for 1-2 months before starting up. I'm just so worn down. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of depression almost. It took a good friend this week to point this out to me.. He said he is always on eggshells around me, I'm not the same person and I seem depressed....

Ugh!

I've just taken my last dose of Clomid for the month. Today is day9. It's frustrating that every month it's the same ole, same ole... trying to get pregnant. I want it so bad. I think it consumes me. and I really don't have friends I can talk about it with. I think even the friends I do tell... it's hard for them to fully understand. I know people care. It is just a lonely feeling. January is close to an end. but I look at months in terms of my cycles. I know... silly. I want it so bad it just breaks my heart every month..

I've ignored you because I've been having a hard time. The past few weeks have been emotionally and mentally draining to me. Getting upset w/a best friend, feeling let down, wondering why things ARE the way they are, feeling love, feeling as if I overwhelm specific someone's..... I don't know why my head gets all turned upside down. I wear my heart on my sleeve & just wish I didn't always where my heart so much on my sleeve... I try working on things. I am good at taking feedback.

but I'm not. I think things through on a deep level and wear my heart on my sleeve. Is it a flaw? maybe. It's just who I am. I'm not shallow, I don't want that. It's not what I need. I need.... what I really truly need... are friends (likely somewhere out there) that understand me, understand what I need in a good, solid friendship.

Why would you ever expect something different from someone when they've always done the same things to you, over and over?? Why would you ever expect them to realize they are in the wrong? God I'm stupid.