My home is where my story begins.....

I wrote this for my husband... our life has been pretty rough over the past 6 weeks... looking at my last post, this health situation started (2) days later... This is generally a favorite time of the year for my husband and I. We're extreme MSU fans.. and instead of excitedly watching the days and days of the basketball madness.... we've been dealing with a much more difficult thing... life in a hospital room. Trevor's hospitalization has changed me.. changed him.. changed our marriage. While I can say I never imagined having to sponge bathe my husband, I did it. He needed me. & we kissed, laughed some at the situation.. and he said, "You must love me so much for being here, caring for me". I never thought of the alternative. He's my life.. this is why I say our marriage changed through this process.. I don't think we've ever been closer... Hearing my husband tell me "I was put on this earth to be with you" has forever change...

So hi there.. i am just finishing a three-day weekend. Just doesn't seem long enough. Not feeling completely motivated to start my week because it is going to be really insane again but I know I have to approach the stress a different way. I had a good day. Went to the spa. Got my hair cut & highlighted.. I really needed it.. Also got my eyebrows waxed and something else waxed.. haha.. Hey, I'll try anything once... that's my philosophy. My husband asked me 3 times today if I ordered the fertility monitor so I ordered it tonight from amazon -2 day shipping for free... so it will be here for my next cycle.. It would be a shock if this cycle ended in pregnancy. I'm so pessimistic now.. I hope this monitor helps us with knowing when our peak fertile days are. It was nice to see him so eager for me to order this. And my song of the day: Chasing Pirates by Norah Jones.. because well, i feel this way sometimes late at night... Beautiful Lyrics: "In your message you ...

So we've been trying alot on our own this month.. strongly considering purchasing the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor . The reviews seem pretty good. Some good, some bad.. how will I know unless I try it. Seems like it might help pinpoint more of when I am most fertile which is something we clearly struggle with due to my irregular periods and length of cycles. My husband seems supportive of us buying and trying this product. I want to do a little more research, though. It's getting harder everywhere I look to see people with babies because I want one so bad. I want to be a mommy. Every passing month it breaks my heart a little more. and when I feel like this, I listen to my favorite song....

2 days... Grand Floridian Resort and Spa pictured. I'm about to lose my freaking mind.. I need a vacation so damned bad. I need to focus on my myself for a change... rather than everyone else... I'm the worst people pleaser... and right about now, I just need to take care of what's good for ME....

So.. the blog is helpful for me to process many things.. but it's also a reminder of what isn't here... a baby.. a pregnancy.. I'm on cd43. I obviously didn't ovulate this month.. who knows when I will get a period.. it's incredibly frustrating.. I need to take the prometrium hormone so I can have a period.. i've taken a ton of time off the fertility medicine.. AFTER this upcoming cycle, we'll get going again.. both my husband and I have baby fever even more than normal... it's such a rough feeling to have.. I had to make a tough decision recently.. it's still fresh.. it's never easy to end a friendship. Especially someone you've talked to for a pretty long time.. & in typical "me" fashion, music always helps me through a tough situation. This will take some time for me to move forward from.. It helps that I am going on an amazing vacation to Walt Disney World and staying at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa for 7 amazing nigh...

I haven't updated my blog because I took a month off fertility pills... so I am sure I will start back up again once I get my period and get going again.... I leave with this song....

Crying yourself to sleep??? That's where I'm at tonight... I feel Completely... utterly... alone.... goodnight....