Thursday, November 4, 2010


I'd never imagined it would end like this.

In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next.

I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth.

My days used to revolve around you... Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away.

I look back with regret.. Why didn't I see this?? I see it all now. Every little piece.

i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life.

I will remember the moments...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Light..

"and you say, it'll be alright.. i'm gonna trust you, i'm gonna look in your eyes.
I'd follow you into the light."

this song makes me cry which naturally makes it my song of the day..

I feel pretty closed off, closed down right now..

It's a rainy day in Michigan and from someone at home, who left their job 5 weeks ago for reasons I can't write about just yet, I think I will read.. I've got a pile right now. I'm reading "Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin who is very good.

Friday, September 3, 2010

that was it..

Trevor came to get me. I was frozen, really. Nothing could get me to walk out on my own. And I cried. I cried for the loss..

Monday, August 30, 2010

It doesn't matter.......

Doesn't matter what I want..... as a social worker.. this makes me wish and then feel sad I can't save all of them...

doesn't matter what I need.. or if I cry.....

this song just makes me think of my job... and the people I cannot save.. no matter how much I Want too..

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I would die for that...

I'd give anything for a baby.. will be seeing new Fertility Doctor tomorow.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I will follow you......

I will follow you into the dark... I hope to always be this close..

Monday, July 12, 2010

Wow.... an appointment.

We officially have an appointment with a new RE doctor Thursday July 22.2010

I cannot believe i am even excited about THIS as progress but I am since I have waited so long!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I won't be taken advantage of. I won't be used. I am so much stronger that than. I'm more than something to be used when "needed".... Change is coming.. "you're not sorry anymore".....

The lyrics spell it all out...

"I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down"

"and it's taken me this long, but I've figured you out."

It's just time to move on...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I was asked this today... I was offered an opportunity to come up with an idea.. I need to think, find my trusted sources and write it out...

"I AM"

If there ever was a song of the day that truly TRULY depicted me, this is it....

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Taking a day to reset.....

I'm taking the day off tomorrow to reset... do *some* laundry, *some* cleaning, *some* shopping, etc....

Get some good thinking in & listen to some good music....

she came to see me yesterday, put her headphones on me and said, listen to this, it's kinda how I feel about you. "Never simple, never easy" she said to me.. It was a CD I'd let her borrow a few months ago before any of this began. "Never wanted this, Never wanted to see you hurt".
"People are people and sometimes things don't work out"... and the worst "Nobody's here to save me". I wouldn't let myself cry.. but damn, she has matured so much in the past year it kills me to know how much she loves me. She has said "You're the only one who loves me"; "you're my best friend" and I work so hard on not crossing boundaries, not caring too much.. but the truth of the matter is I love this girl. I can't control what happens, where she goes.. but I know I've left an impact on her heart.

There are lyrics I want say back to her "But it's killing me to see you go after all this time" but I don't think I can.. I feel so torn..

She came in and checked in with me today per her usual.. and said "I'm sorry" "I'm sorry". It was all I could do to just hug her and cry right with her.

We'll use what time we have for closure (it seems now to being heading that way) and I'll work on letting go.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I hate feeling so lonely. Is it just me?

I used to feel like I had so many friends.. but I'm past the point of wanting surface level friends, I want someone who gets me at a much deeper level..

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Someone new.. this is scary

Starting to see a therapist this morning.. wish me luck.. I need some objective views on everything.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Our fertility office is officially closed... sigh... which means once my husband has healed.. we must search for a new doctor.. & the closest locations are at least 1 hour away... lovely, eh?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I wrote this for my husband... our life has been pretty rough over the past 6 weeks...

looking at my last post, this health situation started (2) days later...

This is generally a favorite time of the year for my husband and I. We're extreme MSU fans.. and instead of excitedly watching the days and days of the basketball madness.... we've been dealing with a much more difficult thing... life in a hospital room.

Trevor's hospitalization has changed me.. changed him.. changed our marriage. While I can say I never imagined having to sponge bathe my husband, I did it. He needed me. & we kissed, laughed some at the situation.. and he said, "You must love me so much for being here, caring for me". I never thought of the alternative. He's my life.. this is why I say our marriage changed through this process.. I don't think we've ever been closer... Hearing my husband tell me "I was put on this earth to be with you" has forever changed me.

This process has taught us not to take one another for granted. and shown us just how strong our love truly is...

I've always been the weaker one.. Trevor has always taken care of me.. but I've become stronger.. I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried... I have. ALOT.. but I've been able to become strong in his presence and be the strong one..

A friend told me a few weeks back I was stronger than I thought I was. I didn't believe it. I do now. I didn't think I'd make it through the emotional aspect of his surgeries.. I was able to.
My tears in private. My tears in bed.. once he was asleep in his hospital bed.. I would cry in the bed the staff at Sparrow gave me. We've lived in that hospital for 22 days today.

and tomorrow, april begins... and if he has a good night, he will come home to me tomorrow.. for the next phase of this journey.. healing. Yes, I will have help from visiting nurses, my mother, friends.. but I know we'll get through this together.

This has been a very lonely time for me. I've been very scared. I've been afraid to open up about how difficult this has truly been until now.. I'm tired. Exhausted really. I'm so thankful my mother will be here with us all weekend because I need the rest.

I know we're on the right path and I want to thank everyone who has visited us, sent a card, flowers, gifts, notes, kind sentiments... you'll never know how much we needed them & how much they meant to us.

In Love, Mel

and to my dearest Trevor.. i will never leave your side. We are forever bound. and no matter how much we cry as we heal, we will be together. Forever and always.. I love you, baby.

The Madness of My March...

Monday, February 15, 2010


So hi there.. i am just finishing a three-day weekend. Just doesn't seem long enough. Not feeling completely motivated to start my week because it is going to be really insane again but I know I have to approach the stress a different way.

I had a good day. Went to the spa. Got my hair cut & highlighted.. I really needed it.. Also got my eyebrows waxed and something else waxed.. haha.. Hey, I'll try anything once... that's my philosophy.

My husband asked me 3 times today if I ordered the fertility monitor so I ordered it tonight from amazon -2 day shipping for free... so it will be here for my next cycle.. It would be a shock if this cycle ended in pregnancy. I'm so pessimistic now.. I hope this monitor helps us with knowing when our peak fertile days are. It was nice to see him so eager for me to order this.

And my song of the day: Chasing Pirates by Norah Jones.. because well, i feel this way sometimes late at night...

Beautiful Lyrics:
"In your message you said, you were goin' to bed, but I'm not done with the night.
So I stayed up and read, but your words in my head, got me mixed up so I turned out the light.

And I, don't know how, to slow it down.
My mind's racing from chasing pirates. "

Sunday, February 14, 2010


So we've been trying alot on our own this month.. strongly considering purchasing the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. The reviews seem pretty good. Some good, some bad.. how will I know unless I try it. Seems like it might help pinpoint more of when I am most fertile which is something we clearly struggle with due to my irregular periods and length of cycles. My husband seems supportive of us buying and trying this product. I want to do a little more research, though.

It's getting harder everywhere I look to see people with babies because I want one so bad. I want to be a mommy. Every passing month it breaks my heart a little more.

and when I feel like this, I listen to my favorite song....

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I need this NOW...........

2 days... Grand Floridian Resort and Spa pictured.

I'm about to lose my freaking mind.. I need a vacation so damned bad. I need to focus on my myself for a change... rather than everyone else... I'm the worst people pleaser... and right about now, I just need to take care of what's good for ME....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

It's been awhile....

So.. the blog is helpful for me to process many things.. but it's also a reminder of what isn't here... a baby.. a pregnancy.. I'm on cd43. I obviously didn't ovulate this month.. who knows when I will get a period.. it's incredibly frustrating.. I need to take the prometrium hormone so I can have a period.. i've taken a ton of time off the fertility medicine.. AFTER this upcoming cycle, we'll get going again.. both my husband and I have baby fever even more than normal... it's such a rough feeling to have..

I had to make a tough decision recently.. it's still fresh.. it's never easy to end a friendship. Especially someone you've talked to for a pretty long time.. & in typical "me" fashion, music always helps me through a tough situation. This will take some time for me to move forward from.. It helps that I am going on an amazing vacation to Walt Disney World and staying at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa for 7 amazing nights and 8 days, leaving this Friday, January 22nd.. It will be a wonderful time with my husband and help me leave behind a friendship that has had to end...

Here is a picture of the amazing lobby that makes me smile:

so....this is the song below... I guess it could be viewed differently by any number of people... I think of it as a friendship song.. but could define the ending of any friendship... like the lyrics state... "People are people....But it's killing me to see you go... It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see" "and it hurts to lose a friend..." "Sorry"
It makes me cry.. but I process my emotions through my tears... I always have.. The lyrics just SPEAK to me about moving through this.. "And we know it's never simple" "Never a clean break..............No one here to save me"
the lines that make me cry:
"Never wanted this
Never wanna see you hurt
Every little bump in the road
I tried to swerve"

This will be really tough for me... it's not easy, it hurts to lose someone you'd opened up to so much, no matter what type of friend.. and someone I'd turn to for advice.. (someone who knows me "Like the back of my hand") it leaves an empty void for sure & I wonder how I'll bounce back.. nobody ever said finding new friends was easy.. otherwise I'd just open the damned phonebook....
"But I have to breathe without you"
If only there were some way to make this easy... make me forget every mistake I made.. make me wish I didn't make the same mistakes as I've always made... makes me wish I hadn't opened up so much, so easily...