Thursday, December 18, 2008

Back to the Beginning....

Today is cd1. So it's back to the beginning of another cycle. I should be hopeful, right? Maybe it's just my icky mood this morning. I just feel like crying. It's those dumb hormone pills. They really do a number on my emotions. I'm seeing the obgyn tomorrow but what can she really tell me. It's hard to be hopeful.... honestly....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I'm avoiding you. and it's a blog. it's not like it talks back to me. *Sigh* I'm losing it. Today is cd42. Yeah, i know, i know..... I'm taking the progesterone to force a period. Fun stuff. It makes my friends think I am even more nuts than normal..... not that it would take much. I need the Christmas Spirit, the joy of the season now more than ever. This stuff can overwhelm and take you over.

Our trees are decorated but the house isn't in it's usual perky self. I can tell it bothers my husband. I'm trying. I really am.

I have the day off on Friday, we see the obgyn. and hopefully i can get some christmas shopping done... wrapping as well.

I am trying. For those that read, thanks.... i love you.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

New meds...

I started taking Glucophage this morning.... cd33 and no period.... and I know I'm not pregnant. I will likely have to take Prometrium to jumpstart my period if it doesn't start soon. Also going to be starting 100mg Clomid with my next cycle. Feels nice to be home from vacation - my own bed... but there is like a million things to do to get ready for Christmas now (my favorite time of the year).

Monday, December 1, 2008

This morning, I got a call with my lab results for the month.. my progesterone level was .6
HORRIBLE. Last month it was 4.59 which was bad but this is awful.
I had just gotten into Epcot, looking forward to a great day... and got this horrible call. I just wanted to cry......
I guess the plan for next month is to go up to 100mg Clomid and I asked to have them start the Glucophage now... my obgyn is on vacation until wednesday so hopefully will get a call so I can pick that prescription up when my vacation is over....

gosh, I tried all day to smile but that progesterone level is horrible... and I have switched almost all my foods to this.

I guess it wasn't my month. I had a glass of wine with lunch I was so bummed. I suppose it doesn't matter if I have some drinks until I am back to cd1 whenever that will be...

Heading back to Epcot in a bit for the firework night show...

my husband was very loving today, by the way... he knew how hard I took the news.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Trying not to think about TTC on vacation is tough. I am on cd26 so in the middle of that 2WW... well, really one week left to wait.... I SHOULD be super excited.. my parents ordered our christmas present... I'm going to spend all week in Disney World and relaxing at the pool but I still have my mind on whether or not I am pregnant. It's a sucky thing, I know... but it's only natural to wonder but my initial feeling is I am not pregnant. I dunno, I try to be hopeful....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


It's here!!! Yay!!! I'm flying out in the morning. My parents, husband and I are all going! I am in SUCH need of a vacation it is unreal. I am going to try and relax as much as possible and not try to think of TTC as we're moving into the end of the cycle... so it's the 2WW really to see if we concieved.

Monday, November 24, 2008

a good day....

I'm having a good day.... probably because I'm vacationing in 3 days!! yay!!

Tomorrow is my blood work in the morning before work... sigh... Praying for a high progesterone level this month. If not, I'm going to ask my obgyn to put me on Glucophage next month as all the research shows it works well with Clomid.

Here is to hoping & praying that my progesterone level will be high this month... Please!!!! This process is so hard.... it is always on my mind.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I love my husband. I can't even remember life without him actually. that IS how much my life feels like it started the day we began our life together. Now naturally he has pet peeves that drive me nuts... as I am sure I do to him... (i can occasionally repeat myself.... remember, i said occasionally). I am truly lucky to have this man in my life.. he is one of the good ones, very very good ones.

I'm supposed to be... but who knows... O'ing over the past 2 days, maybe today.. who knows? I just don't think the OPK's work for me... it's so frustrating.. those types of thing bother me so much.. I'm not wanting to get into the whole temperature checking each morning... but we'll see what happens this month. I am on cd19, last month my cycle was 32 days with the Clomid so my O day based on the calculators was supposed to be yesterday! Here is to hoping for....

Friday, November 21, 2008

It's Friday!

My Spartans play for a co-Big Ten Championship tomorrow if they can win at Penn State... very tough game.. so I don't have my hopes set THAT high.. I think we're still going to a bowl game on New Years Day!

My anniversary is this weekend... 6 years! We're doing a low-key anniversary as we are VACATIONING next week!!!! yay!!!

Heading to Orlando for the Old Spice Classic and then spending the following week in Walt Disney World!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

so you know what that means... I'm trying not to obsess over OPK's this month as I do not even think they work for me... they never say I ovulate... yet I keep trying them and buying them. If only there were a way I could REALLY know when I was going to O.. that would surely make this entire getting pregnant thing a lot easier... maybe?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

my blog sounds very depressing... well... it's like a JOURNAL.... duh... :P what did you think I would write in here... LMAO.... for those of you reading, umm, husband now... no.. I am not depressed you silly boy.. I'm going through alot... dork.

and yes, I regret saying I wasn't looking forward to vacation... I am.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

"I've been trying to tell you... say that it's always been me... that I am all you need... and you never want more... Seems like I love the things you do..." ~ Adele.

"And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you" ~ Adele.

I love the lyrics to this song. I think it's about a relationship gone wrong but I choose to pick the lyrics that resonate in my heart.

Today was a sad day. confusing.. T and I talked about christmas gifts... I said all I really wanted was to be pregnant. nothing else. Can I just have that one thing? It's not like I don't pray for it all the time... I want it so bad.


I'm the girl with everything... so tell me what is wrong with me?? I feel like not a soul understands how I feel.

My god the loneliness is almost too much to bear for me. I cry so easily nowadays.

I should be so happy, I truly AM the girl with everything, I should be stronger than this.. but I'm not. I feel so weak. It feels like the fight of my life.

All I have ever wanted is a family. Being an only child, I never felt like I had "that" family you see people with..

my husband is as supportive as he can be... and the friends whom are aware also try to be supportive but this is a lonely process, no matter how many times friends offer their hugs&kind words. They don't get it.

It's another long week ahead for me... I promised a friend I'd do a TV interview for their studio tomorrow night... wished I'd said NO... and I have a big presentation at work on Thursday evening that isn't prepared... I just want a day to myself to cry. My vacation is 11 days - I've prepared nothing for Orlando & we will be there 10 days. I'm not even excited.

and dear readers, I know... none... today is cd12. According to the clomid calculator, it's the week to really start trying. There is my hope. My bloodwork for the month will be 2 days before our trip so I should get a call on vacation on the status of my progesterone levels. Wish me luck!

Friday, November 14, 2008


what an icky day. I wake up... in pain, needing to potty.. and what do I find to my dismay... spotting and a UTI. I have no sick days so I knew I'd need to go into work. Luckily, my boss completely rules... my obgyn was on the ball, got me in to give a urinalysis so I could get a prescription for the UTI and back to work I went. I appreciate my boss so much... I was pretty emotional today.. shed some tears, had alot on my mind. I get tearful so easily on Clomid. I was feeling alone today. Had some difficulty focusing today so will have to work on a presentation this weekend for work since I couldn't get going as much as I needed to today.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I apologize....

for anyone who dealt with me today when I was so emotional... that was an icky fit of tearful emotions... *sigh* Not much I can do about it... I made it to my car before crying, so no tears in my office. Today is cd8, so my 4th pill of Clomid. T was pretty supportive when he got home, he knows I can't help my mood. He was a good sport & watched (2) episodes of Gossip Girl on the Tivo... and went up to bed w/me early since I wasn't feeling well.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my Tuesday off...

I am cd7. so far so good with the Clomid. having some symptoms of moodiness/headache but nothing I can't handle. It was nice to have today off. I was able to get some shopping in @ Macy's.
Our cupboards are bare so I need to go grocery shopping... that is always a task for me that isn't the most fun... how come "I" always have to go.... Grrr... totally not in the mood right now....

Friday, November 7, 2008

Feels like a LONG Fall...

I'm really tired.. it's been a LONG Fall. I feel out of sorts with different things I guess. It's Friday night and I feel like crying. I get emotional. Everything feels out of sorts today.. maybe I need more sleep. I'm so glad tomorrow is the final home tailgate for MSU this season. I am REALLY burned out right now.... I wish my husband was home so he could give me a hug. although the house is kinda messy and we don't like that. I don't like chaos/mess. My husband is really tired this week as well. We're both needing a day to chill. The end of tailgating always feels this way. We love it... but we get tired. We didn't do our normal decorating for Halloween, which made me sad. We're going away for Thanksgiving for 10 days so we may put up the Christmas Tree up (1 of them) in the living room before we leave for our trip. 2008 has been an odd year for me. Maybe I should just crawl into a ball tonight and fall asleep. Doesn't that sound good?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

back to day 1.

I'm back to day 1. Started period this morning. 32 day cycle would indicate I ovulated at least. So this month we will try again with 50 mg clomid. It's been a frustrating week thus far dealing with family issues.

Monday, November 3, 2008

It just wasn't my day....

Some days I feel emotional (well, many lately due to the medicine), some days good... other days sad. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my parents raised me not to keep things bottled up... so I tell people how I feel. I forget some families have "closed" systems that don't relate well when you try to open up to them. Some people just don't hear it or don't want to hear it or maybe... they don't know how to hear it.


I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Especially without all the details but it makes sense to me... it's not like anyone reads this. but still....

they say pick your battles... pick the important ones.
Which ones to let go of? how do I let go of things that will never change?

LOVE THIS new Artist Adele ~ Chasing Pavements....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Frustration and Tears...

It's obvious I am hormonal.
My symptoms are obvious to that.
I'm sooooo angry that my wishes for privacy were completely violated.
It's like, hey.... I have feelings you know...
WHY WHY WHY don't people stop for just a second and think to themselves how what they do will affect the person?

Like I am not dealing enough right now anyhow....

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Plans for next month....

Per my OBGYN,

if I do not have a period by day 35, she will start me on 100mg of Clomid next month. I mentioned I thought I O'd on day 19 and had the labs 2 days later and she said the timing of bloodwork and opk's almost need to be perfect. So I have my answer... higher dose of clomid if I don't start period by then..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Nothing to report today except exhaustion as I worked like 13 hours today..... more news on my next month of Clomid tomorrow....

Monday, October 27, 2008

No good news.....

I thought I Ovulated on day 19 based on those OPK tests. This is my first round on Clomid so I went 2 days later to get my blood drawn (last Friday). I called to get the lab results over the phone and they said my progesterone level was 4.59 on that day (cd21). So this basically means I didn't O?? and therefore no chance of pregnancy? :(

I really would like to cry. I guess I will talk to hubby and then call the OBGYN tomorrow to talk about moving up from 50mg Clomid for next month.

That progesterone level is sooooooooooo low.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Clomid Side Effects

Even after a weekend away........ while I felt sick the entire time..... the weekend is about over. I totally wish I had another day to be my "Sunday". I'm wiped out lately. There has been so many changes in my world in the past few months that I try to take it day by day. Physically, the nausea and tired feelings are exhausting.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Highly Sensitive one......

I'm highly sensitive today. I probably shouldn't be... but I am. As hard as I try to let things be, evolve as they may... I wear my heart on my sleeve (to the extreme I might add).This image really captures how I feel this afternoon. My hands are tied (almost to the every day requirements of my life that we all have) and yet I'm letting the butterfly go... which feels like my way of saying we all need to let go of the little stressors that drive us insane, the control and let things be. This can be really hard for me as I am such a sensitive soul... I could cry in seconds today...


I'm awake..... early.. unfortunately, really.... today is day 21 in my cycle so I have to go to the labs (in a few minutes actually) to get my blood drawn to "check on hormone levels, etc, etc".
Not a fan of getting my blood drawn AT ALL. Hopefully it will go well, easy... I couldn't eat/drink after midnight so whenever that happens, I get shaky when they draw my blood.... I think we missed our chance this month to get pregnant. It's like.. whatever.. the day this week we 'took off' was the day I think we needed to be busy.

This painting basically depicts how I feel this morning.

about this.... a little of that.... and a whole bunch of other.....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I hate....

I just hate when I find out things about people that I never knew... and don't like. especially when it's something that wasn't ever told to me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

it's cd18.....

and while I took (2), yes (2) of the OPK tests yesterday in my quest to understand how these things really work... and because I wanted a morning and evening strip, I went for (2) and even had T stare at the little pink lines as well.... we ultimately decided that the lines weren't equal and/or the test line not darker..... so today, I was thinking I'd do the morning and evening thing AGAIN but totally like forgot the morning strip.... so after work, off to POAS I went.. and to my grinning face, the test line is DARKER!
Which means I am totally about to Ovulate. so I am totally totally excited!

Have also found a great resource for ladies with PCOS: Soul Cysters

Monday, October 20, 2008

Cutest Avatar

I found a site today, a forum really... and found the cutest avatar here....

I'm super hormonal today.. and all confused about these OPK's. (ovulating predictor kits). The lines all look pink. How am I supposed to be some type of expert on whether these lines are dark or REALLY dark?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

This whole process....

This whole process of trying to concieve. Geesh. So much information out there. It's frustrating my body doesn't work like everyone else's because of the PCOS and Endometriosis. Yeah, Yeah.. these are the cards I was dealt so I should just suck it up and deal with it... but it can be annoying.
Taking Clomid, wondering when I will ovulate, wondering, wondering, wondering..... my husband is pretty supportive.. I mean, he actually recommends I NOT get so worked up, so into reading TTC information online but there are so many products out there to try, to learn about, etc... that I want to try... I don't want to be using Clomid for months and months on end.. eventually adding another medication to the mix to try to help me get pregnant.

Today is CD (cycle day)16... so I should be ovulate now.... anytime now please....... my blood work will be done on Friday 10/24, which is CD21. I'll go in the morning to get my labs done before work. I said this blog would be raw... well, this is the real info. This is what I am thinking about. Not that I have many readers.... lol... none... but when I do get pregnant, it will be nice to re-read my experience...

it's getting REALLY hard to hide I'm trying to get pregnant... everyone seems to notice I am not drinking caffeine OR alcohol.... *shrugs*

Friday, October 17, 2008

Anyone out there want to listen to me complain??

or take care of me?? pamper me?? and listen to me whine??

yeah, I didn't think so.....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I wonder why things can't be easier sometimes. I laugh at the silly things lately that T and I come up with. Still looking for a balance... something is still feeling uneven... like still learning the new job, still focusing 125% energy on my fertility/getting pregnant. Trying to have more fun with this entire process.. trying to balance the business of the fall season of football, not having alot of time for other things in life. Already looking forward to that LONG vacation ahead that begins on Thanksgiving Day.

I'm still settling in to things in my life that have changed lately. Thus, life can be difficult and throw us curveballs and confuse us at each and every turn. But it is what it is.... I'm working on finding balance... and reaching my ultimate goal.

I really dig this song lately.

Monday, October 13, 2008

days 3-4-5 of Clomid.

Luckily I wasn't working and was upnorth relaxing with my husband friends on Mackinac Island because the Clomid certainly made me tearful, nauseaus and dizzy. I was glad to be able to take it more easy than if I were working...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Bowl Eligible and ready to have campus full of energy when the Buckeyes come to town next weekend!!! GO GREEN!!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

day 2...

The day started out pretty good. I was smiling and in a relatively good mood... as the day wore on, my back started to ache and I experienced a few mood swings... felt like crying a few times.. I would say that for the most part I made it through. I am more tired/exhausted than normal but I think that was to be expected considering I worked 10.5 hours today as well.... I want a good night's rest tonight for sure... am glad tomorrow is Friday.. and off to a LONG NEEDED weekend away!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Day 1.....

Ok ok..... I'm here... took the medicine a little bit ago. Can only wait to see how it reacts to my body. I was a little nervous, anxious today as I was awaiting to start this process. I know, I know.. it seems my entries are all focused around me taking Clomid but it's the most important thing going on in my life right now... I'm really glad we're going away for the weekend somewhere really relaxing.. i think it will be great for my mind, body & soul while making it through the next 5 days!

I need as much support from my friends as I can get right now... and it feels not everyone really understands what I am going through.. I suppose that is to be expected..

Hopefully my mood stays even through the night.... giggling.....

Listening to a new band today that was recommended for me.... TV on the Radio
Enjoying it quite a bit!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008



I feel like I am growing in the direction of a new beginning. I'm scared, nervous and excited about the start of the fertility medication tomorrow night. I've been waiting for over a year to finally be at this point where we can begin this stage of our journey.

In a way, I feel like crying. Not for any specific reason that I can think of really... just that the process as a whole involves several emotions for me.

I'm trying to be more private about things than I have in the past. Going to be relaxing as much as possible over the next 5 days while we start Clomid.

Luckily, we're going on a mini-vacation from Friday night to Tuesday. We'll be heading up to Mackinac Island, staying at the Windemere Bed&Breakfast. We're heading up there with 2 other couples of which we are close friends with. The past 6 weeks have been crazy and I think this is just what we need right now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

New Beginnings...

This week we are starting a new beginning... well, a new beginning of a sort. This is one of the reasons that I decided to write a blog really... for me to process my feelings. I started my period on Saturday the 3rd which means that we're beginning the first Round of Clomid this week. I take the first pill on Wednesday which is day 5 for me. I'm excited, nervous... a little unsure of what the medication will be like for me.. but I've been waiting it seems forever to get to this point where I would be ready to take this medication to hopefully help me concieve....

Friday, October 3, 2008


Ah... Homecoming. The weather is good. Feels like Fall finally. I remember growing up how Homecoming was such a big deal.. seems different now.... (as I giggle because T just called stuck on campus @ MSU trying to pick up catering for our tailgate). Homecoming is about traditions, people coming together, bringing the past into the present. Remembering our past... old friends mixed with new friends.. at least that's how I see it. It was an odd feeling to get the email from the old girlfriends from work this morning wanting to know where my new tailgate spot is so they could visit....

Although I've not heard from them in months..... it almost seems fitting that on homecoming weekend, they would choose to get in touch.. It is interesting to say the least... I still think of them with fond memories and wish they had maintained contact when I reached out to them... but they did not... and of that I have no control. I'm living my life... and embracing what each day brings..

See you tomorrow... Homecoming at Michigan State University.......
my alma mater, now deeply a part of me...

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Missing in Action...

This week has been crazy.... and I've been missing in action here.... I've got to get in a better habit of writing here...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

You're MY Sunday....

This song reminds me of how I feel about my husband. Full of LOVE!! He takes care of me and me him!!! :)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Smiles all around...

I smiled alot today. It felt good. Peaceful.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Gosh I am tired. Wasn't I off of work all summer? How can one be so tired? Every single day it seems I'm on the go, go, go..... I need some rest. My schedule has been pretty crazy over the past 2-3 weeks. Tomorrow evening, I vow to come home and just rest. Wednesday Evening I start a Meditation course at MSU Evening College which should be pretty relaxing!! At least there isn't a home football game this upcoming weekend... I need a break!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Want You To......

I want you to love me..

I want you to touch me....

I want you to know me...

I want you to show me...

I want you to love me...

i want to you to have that hot look in your eye..... no time to be shy.... My pulse is racing... I want you to want me.. i want you to love me, i want you to touch me.

For you.......

I miss my friends.
It seems I am so alone these days.
What to do? Just cope. and get stronger??

Too many changes at once.

oh.. and Dear Readers.. (of none, likely.. lol)
I am not great with change.....
so 4-6 losses of friends in the past 6 months has taken its toll.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My dear friend, these lyrics are for you today...

Do it, now..You know who you are...You feel it in your heart........And you're burning with ambition
But first, wait.....Won't get it on a plate.......You gonna have to work for it......Harder and harder
And I know....Cause I've been there before...Knocking on the doors...With rejection
And you'll see..Cause if it's meant to be.....Nothing can compare........To deserving your dreams

It's amazing
All that you can do
It's amazing
Makes my heart sing
Now it's up to you

Patience, now....Frustration is in the air....And people who don't care....Well it's gonna get you down
And you'll fall....Cause you will hit a wall...But get back on your feet.....And you'll be stronger.....And smarter

And I know
Cause I've been there before
Knocking down the doors
Won't take no for an answer

And you'll see....Cause if it's meant to be.....Nothing can compare.....To deserving your dreams

Don’t be embarrassed, don’t be afraid, don’t let your dreams slip away.
Don't be scared of using your gift – everybody has a gift.
Never give up, never let it die,
Trust your instincts, and most importantly…
You’ve got nothing to lose, so just go for it...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


There is emotional pain in life....
by absorbing this, I will grow.

Monday, September 15, 2008

In Life....

We all deal with emotional pain.
It makes us stronger. It must.
I won't give up.
I will fight for what I want.

Do the painful moments in life make us who we are? and who we will eventually be?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The past week has been so hard on me. So many changes at once. Too many stressors. Tears falling left and right. Too many changes at once for me to handle. Still trying to heal from my surgery. Planning on seeing an acupuncturist Monday September 15th as well as September 16th to help with my healing overall which I am somewhat frightened about. It seems with all the changes, I don't know where I am with everything and that is somewhat scary for me. All I feel like doing is lying in bed with my husband snuggling, crying, being held and taking all the changes day by day trying to move forward.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Monday, September 8, 2008

For my dear husband......

I love you. You save me from myself.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The view from my seats.

Great day by all. New Tailgate Location went perfectly. We're tailgating near Izzo's new offices in Breslin.

Friday, September 5, 2008

this is how I feel this morning. this is so frustrating..... I know this song has many lyrical meanings... but today it is about my house.

Is everything going to get better????

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

This is so stressful... the basement flooded again... is the 3rd time a charm? It's the worst ever. It seems we can't get any help. We've been fighting the drain commissioner for over a year. It's incredibly frustrating. We need a lawyer that handles this stuff..... asap. Whomever approved the sites behind us to allow the water to drain directly into our yard........ sigh......grrr.......

Monday, September 1, 2008



We all need it. We need people to help us through a bad spot in life.
I'm here for you, my dear friend.

Call me when you need me....

anytime of the day, I will listen. we'll get through this. Lean on me.
Know this.

“Never let go of hope.
One day you will see that it all has finally come together.
What you have always wished for has finally come to be.
You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

Sunday, August 31, 2008

I'm awake.
It was a heart-breaking loss.
But I will say this...
I have faith.
Faith in Mark Dantonio to turn the corner, to remove the demons from the past.
I know he can do it.
I feel it.
and it's a new day... time to work on Game 2.
See you next weekend.. MSU hosts Eastern Michigan...
I'll be there....
I'll be planning my first tailgate of the season today & tomorrow.
How many visitors??
100? I'm pumped!

Friday, August 29, 2008


When I finally reach peace at the loss of a friendship that I shed tears for, I receive a card today in the mail.
This came so unexpectedly and I was moved to tears. The card was a simple get well message with a note inside.
I had had a close friendship with this girl.

Will I ever understand people?

I thought this was over. It's been 3.5 months.

What to do?
I'm ever hopeful and genuinely miss her... and 2 other close girlfriends I lost on the same day.

Being let go from a job with no explanation can disrupt the relationships you've developed with people.
I was there on a Tuesday.... and by 9pm that night, my office was emptied.
They knew nothing and neither did I. I hoped the friendships were stronger than the office environment but I was wrong.

Contact was made the day after.
They were shocked. and so was I.

Contact wasn't made after that day besides a few emails from the girl who sent the card today.

It hurt like hell but there was nothing I could do.

One cannot force friendships upon people.

So today.... with peace within myself that these friendships were over, I have hope.

I don't know why. I suppose it is part of who I am.

I didn't know what to do but I reached back. I sent her an email. and 5 minutes after 5pm, she texted me.

We shall see. I hope the friendship can be renewed but....... that's yet to be seen..

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Becoming comfortable with who I am.... it isn't always the easiest.

Sometimes others want you to change, be like this, do that..& why?

I want to just be me. I like simplicity. I find joy in simple things. It scares me when I'm told to change. I can't lose myself. I can't lose that joy I have in the smallest things in the world...

Dearest Readers, you'll soon see I use musical lyrics to describe my inner emotions & thoughts... and when being told to change, I relate to this song by Sia, Don't Bring me Down

The song is powerful... and any individual listening could take it either way... for any internal thought... but it speaks to me. It says "don't change", "don't lose the joy" and the struggles of maintaining hold of the fight of the war in my head.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Life, Love and Family....

All on my mind today, readers..... all of which readers include one.... my husband. I can get so down sometimes when things don't go the way I expect & feel lost. Like I should know more about who I am at 3o (yikes! just TURNED 30).

There is so much I love about my life and yet, so much I don't. I'm lucky. I know this. I have amazing friends and a supportive family.

Something seems missing.

Is is the baby I so desperately want to have? I was an only child.. at times I liked & times I didn't. My parents divorced when I graduated high school and I felt completely alone, confused and depressed (totally dumped by my first love)

I met my husband (to be known as T in this blog) in my second year of college. I remember crying so much as I felt in the middle of their divorce. I will never forget the evening he held me as I was crying about their fighting and said "I feel like I have no family now"... I will never forget that night. It was one of the first times of many I fell in Love with T. He said "I'm your family. I will always be your family". It was a moment one does not forget.
T made me feel safe, hopeful and loved as well as excited for the future.

My parents later remarried and this made me incredibly happy. It felt like my family was back together. and to my happiness, they remarried before my wedding to T which was of the most amazing days of my life. T kept his promise.... he IS my family. But I desire more. I want the baby. The medical problems have not allowed us to get pregnant yet. My hope is once completely healed from my surgery we can start to try again to create the family he told me so long ago we would have.

What brought this to my mind today? I was home with my parents, my dad having had a heart procedure yesterday where they thought he had blockage again. Luckily he did not have any blockage and came home. He was weak today. It's so hard to be an only child and deal with parents getting older & having health concerns. They are all I have. T is my family. My parents are so close to me. It's scary when they are weak. It makes me feel so helpless...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I have
endometriosis. I generally try to hide how I am feeling to most of the people in my life because they do not understand Endometriosis. I was diagnosed in 2007 by a Laparoscopy, had endo removed from my left ovary. Also found out during this surgery that my left fallopian tube is blocked. I have recently had pain come back with a vengeance this year and was scheduled to have my second surgery on August 18, 2008 (last week) to have my left fallopian tube removed which I was quite frightened about.

My surgery was on Monday, 8.18. I was in so much pain afterward that they admitted me. Istayed in the hospital until 5-6pm on Tuesday. The good news is my surgery went well. They found I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which explains the problems I have been having with my periods. My ovary was connected to my bowel which was one of the reasons for my pain. She surgically implanted something to avoid future adhesion to my bowel. I had this happen last summer where my bowel was attached to my ovary but they did not implant something to avoid it happening again. They removed more endometriosis in this surgery as well. We have all the photos and the main thing I understand is that my ovaries are smooth and they are generally more rough which is consistent with PCOS. The plan is to start Clomid when we go for post-op appointment on 9/4.

I've found a support group online for women who suffer from Endometriosis.

It's such a hidden disease. I find it so hard to explain to people because there isn't anything for anyone to

Monday, August 25, 2008


I got the idea for starting my own blog from an unlikely source. I read her blog and felt like I knew her well when I was done reading. I was proud of her strength reading the past year of her life and I wanted to reach out & hug her. It's strange to get inspiration from unlikely sources. But that's how interesting life can be.

I'm going to be as honest as I can here.

I named this blog
"My Home is where my story Begins" .

It is based on the very similar quote which is a favorite of mine "Home is where our story begins...."

I think writing this & opening up about the very intimate thoughts/stressors I have right now will be helpful. I will likely invite others to read as I write more.