Sunday, October 25, 2009

Taking time off...

I haven't updated my blog because I took a month off fertility pills... so I am sure I will start back up again once I get my period and get going again....

I leave with this song....

Monday, September 21, 2009

ever feel like this?


Crying yourself to sleep??? That's where I'm at tonight...

I feel Completely... utterly... alone....

goodnight....

Ok, so......


I don't ask for THAT much really......

people freaking confuse me...


some days I reach that point where I just feel lost.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

In a nutshell.....

a) I despise the xbox 360.
my husband hasn't left the damned thing all day.... ugh
b) silence sucks....
c) I hate when my Spartans lose..
d) my husband doesn't like "pink" nailpolish on me.. :(
(got a manicure yesterday morning)
e) silence sucks.......
f) the weekends are NEVER long enough...


--oh... and this is my blog so I can complain if I want.......

Friday, September 18, 2009

Yeah, so, umm.. whatever...


The week is finally over... I need a stress-free weekend...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


So... I apparently have nothing for follicles this month... from what I understand, anyhow.. this lady makes no sense to me.. i'm getting so fed up. I took my husband this time because I am so fed up with the lack of plan.. she must have told me (3) different things today... Ugh... I had a major meltdown in a co-worker's office (who was supportive.. and I try to hide this crap at work the best I can). I wish there was a different doctor I could see... I researched.. and found that there IS another one in Lansing however he works 1 half-day per week... yuck....

in my meltdown mode... i touched base with my boss... god love her.. she completely understands... and this is a CRAZY week at work to say the least...

I reached out to my sister-in-law who has been this... and she recommended this book:
A Few Good Eggs









I went ahead and ordered "The Conception Chronicles"









God knows I need some laughter in my life dealing with this... I confused as hell... sad.. trying to keep it together...

and I think I need a month off the fertility drugs... I really need a break from this...

I've been in (2) car accidents in a month... sigh..... long story...

"Are we there yet?"

I generally use lyrics to process my feelings.... lots to post this week... bad week at the Fertility office... and I want to write down my feelings here... I'll add more later.....

a new CD by Ingrid Michaelson just came out... and this song "Are we There yet?" just GOT me.... it can be viewed by different people in many ways I realize... but some of the lyrics brought me to tears thinking of the baby I am yet to have.....

"They say you're really not somebody
Until somebody else loves you
Well, I am waiting to make somebody
Somebody soon" ~Ingrid Michaelson...


Monday, September 14, 2009

Crappy Appointment...

I apparently have (1) follicle, very small... going back this Wednesday.. this office drives me insane.. there never is a plan... I'm going to try to take my husband this Wednesday for support.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Not pregnant... again.....

already on cd 8 in my new cycle.... that last cycle was SO hard to take for me... I REALLY had hope...

i feel defeated. the tears were the hardest this time... I don't know why, it's the same EVERY month...

why me?? I want to be a mommy so bad... is it ever going to happen for me?

I hate infertility, I hate PCOS... and I HATE endometriosis...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wii Active

the workout for today.. now completed.. felt a little better... yay!!

cd26...


getting closer to taking a hpt.. I think I will take one on Saturday morning which will be cd28.

It's been a long work week --greatly looking forward to the weekend. relaxation, knitting, reading.

Am feeling loved today.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Today is cd24 - 9 dpo.

yeah, i've got some early preg symptoms...
but they are also side effects from the progesterone I take 4x daily... so I'm trying not to overanalyze... really hoping the de-stressing/not analyzing will help me ease the disappointment of AF if/when she arrives.. Sigh.

Completed day 2 of WiiActive (the program is KIND - it gave me the day off tomorrow). My upper thighs ACHE sooooooooo bad.

In other news... ahh... feeling upset with a friend today. Feel completely useless as a friend no matter how hard I try... I don't even know what to do or say right now.. Seems like all my words go unheard.. when do you know if you're wasting your time pushing a friendship onto someone that they don't even want...
Lyrically ~ this is what I want to say:


"So.......If you ever want something...
You call, you call.......And I'll come running to fight......And I'll be at your door"

Monday, August 24, 2009

wow... difficult... i am not a fan of squats & lunges because of my knees... at least tomorrow it tells me we'll work on boxing, tennis and some other stuff.... it's tough.. but the endorphins help me release stress.

but even tho I say the WiiActive beat ME... I did the entire thing... i actually feel de-stressed a little.. Sssshhh ~ we're not telling that to hubby.


My hubby went out to buy this game for me today...

Supposedly, they have a 30-day challenge. I am going to commit to it. Seriously - I AM!!! If anything, it will help me de-stress in the morning!! and increase endorphins - all of which I need. I'm completely stressed all the time --on a ton of weird pills.. and I Think this could be a healthy move for me... Hubby says he will do it with me --but if he stops --I'm committed...

Reviews look good!!

I'll be setting up a profile when he gets home --after we've had dinner and all!!!

and continue my knitting as well....

Sunday, August 23, 2009

cd22.... moody.


The 2ww is always kinda hard... looking at every little symptom as a possibility of early pregnancy symptoms... yes, i realize I am driving myself insane.... as usual when it comes to cycles where I think I have a possibility of being pregnant... i've been kinda moody the past 2 days... very irritable, etc... this weekend hasn't been very good, either... I slept most of Saturday.. then T took me to dinner @ Bravo (italian).

I'll relax today, knit, read.... maybe do some laundry.. exciting, eh???

work's been kinda crazy... the upcoming week has some crazy meetings I have to plan.. etc, etc...

and my mind is on my cycle... i'm 7dpo today so each day this week my mind will be on my cycle --my hope that my period will not arrive... hoping my temperature will stay up (although the prometrium 4x a day is doing that for me).

Tuesday, August 18, 2009




This is my least favorite part of the cycle... but some months I have nothing to wait for so I know I should hush and be grateful that for this 2ww that I *do* have something to wait for... it's always hard to wait... my blood test isn't until august 31st. It will be an exciting day or another bummer... luckily that weekend will be labor day - the start of football season (which I love) and maybe will be able to have a drink if my period starts around then..
All I can do is hope&pray.. which is what I do every month..

Monday, August 17, 2009

Monday Morning..... cd16.


Spent the past 4 nights trying to concieve. I'm trying to be hopeful yet not get too excited, obsessive, etc... the 2-week wait is never any fun. Last month I didn't ovulate/release an egg so I was pretty down.
I started the prometrium yesterday (1oomg 4x daily). This is the drug that makes me tired yet prepares my body supposedly in case I do get pregnant.
Just trying to remain positive. The HcG shot on Friday would have caused me to ovulate already but I think we will baby-dance tonight as well just in case.

Friday, August 14, 2009


So I saw my RE yesterday..... and there were 2 growing follicles (FINALLY!!!!!!!!!) I would be happy with one. One follicle was much smaller than the other so she asked me to come back today to do another ultrasound to see if the smaller one would grow. And this morning I went... and both follicles are growing. She gave me the HcG shot that will force ovulation within 36 hours... so I actually have 2 eggs to work with this month.. I am very hopeful for a change.. that's like 2 chances at getting pregnant! I've had such a rotten few months with TTC that I hope&pray that this could be my month.. I won't get too ahead of myself.
My RE said to have "relationship" all weekend... so that's what we'll do!!!
Please pray for me!
--More later!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

This has to be the worst it's ever been.... I literally feel like I am crawling the walls... took the last dose of this medicine... i'm so sick.. poor T doesn't even know what to say. :(

Make it Stop!!!!!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Secret Heart...


I think I've got a secret heart.. the song makes me cry because it's so true. The very secret I'm concealing is the one I'm dying to reveal. Damn - I just about cannot stand it anymore. I'm so tired of pretending to be this person people expect.. I'm mad, ok? I'm angry.. I wouldn't wish this secret ("infertility") on ANYONE..... it feels like a hidden world, seriously.. daily, I swear a part of my heart dies.. is it ever going to happen?? Will I ever be a mommy?

Nothing changes - Nobody know - Nobody understand -- and they never know what to say. The small group of people that do know just say "it'll happen eventually" or "well, you just started THIS med"...
stop!!!!! stop!!!! stop!!!! The comments make it worse - just hug me. offer comfort... meaningless words just make me put up a wall...

I really fight this. I get up everyday. I smile. I think positive. but damn if it isn't lonely.

Secret Heart Why so mysterious? Why so sacred? Why so serious? Maybe you're Just acting tough Let em' in on your secret heart

If someone (other than husband) really tried, I'd let them into my secret heart... but it's closed.. ladies of infertility know this.. I know they do.. We have to act tough.. We have to be serious.. Do you know how hard it is to laugh&be silly around others with babies/toddlers?? It's becoming impossible..

It's almost too much pressure to place on an average friendship --which is why I spoke earlier this week about just craving that best friend --although I don't know why I think that will solve any of this.. maybe it would be my way of opening my secret heart..

I almost giggle at myself as I write, shake my head.. because 99% of the people in my life think I'm this happy, easy-going person without a care in the world... and I say that knowing I can't lie... guess I'm putting on a damn good show.

and welcome to cd1 - seeing the RE Tuesday. *sigh*

Saturday, August 1, 2009

On a fun note....


I bought myself the Coach sneakers I have wanted for years.. they were half off so I totally couldn't resist myself.. Impulse Control was low - it's been a crap week... I felt I deserved 'em...

Friday, July 31, 2009

the past week....


It's not been the best week... tomorrow is day 7 of 7 working in a row.. so I'm pretty exhausted.. no, it's not for extra money.. it's for events we have at work.. I will take the comp time.. I have Tuesday off, (thank goodness).. tomorrow will be crazy with people everywhere.. it'll take all the patience in the world, I imagine...

I've noticed I've just started bottling it up. My feelings, that is. It truly feels like nobody understands.. and whenever I do try to explain, I always end up feeling like it was ME who messed up in trying to explain.. ah, my favorite defense mechanism, just silencing myself/internalizing... and yeah, I'm the one who has her Masters in Social Work, does therapy/case management to help others.. and my emotions are a mess...

don't get me wrong, I hide it well. I am EXCELLENT at putting on the front.. behaving as if life is perfect and maintaining complete professionalism.. I just notice lately that nobody.. even the people that really get me seem to even notice..

I don't have close friends at work for obvious reasons.. I like alot of my co-workers but have been burned in the past leaving a job and the friends I thought were very close just dropping all contact so my co-workers don't even notice that for at least the past 3 weeks I just sit in my office alone at lunch. I work out in the "country" so there isn't anywhere to really go.... so I just sit quietly, listening to music, thinking... some notice I'm not as talkative.. like 2 co-workers (and my boss) know I'm seeing a fertility doctor. Yeah, they all have toddlers... so that's hard.

It's hard. I try.

Every morning I get up. I am grateful for my husband & our life. But I want more - maybe that's really selfish... the more is wanting a close friend all over again.. not like I can advertise for this.. I've always been a girl that's had a ton of friends.. never an issue.. but with growth&being burned - I've forced myself not to trust so easily, to be careful.. not be as naive as I once was... and while my husband is really supportive.. I want that best friend.. the friend just for me.. not a friend I share with my husband (i.e., a mutual friend or a couple we hang with)... isn't this what we're all looking for?? I feel pretty pathetic even acknowledging this because I don't know how to find that person.. It's pretty rare for me to let someone in deep... maybe I'm losing it..
I know I'm really tired..

My husband and I will see our RE on Tuesday, August 4th. Hopefully next cycle I will ovulate.

I think I'm going to crawl into bed now and either read or knit...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


It appears I will not ovulate at all this month. No follicles even at this point today. She doesn't seem to think that I will ovulate at all.... It's all very sad... and I cried upon leaving. It feels nobody understands. I do not even understand it myself.

I guess next month we'll increase the medication. I'm so down..

I love my husband. But even he doesn't know what to say... one of my best friends is about to not be my best friend anymore --at least that is how it feels --all he&I do is fight all the time --and the fighting has went on for weeks..

Every month it gets harder and harder to take this.. I don't know what to do. It's stressful to know what step to take moving forward..

Luckily I have one more day off this week... my regular annual at the obgyn.. so lovely..

Friday, July 17, 2009

Confused, sad, upset....


I had my mid-cycle ultrasound this morning... well, it appears I may have ALREADY ovulated.... wtf??? My temp went up on day 11... shot up again this morning... we'll monitor the temperature this weekend and if it stays up, I O'd. Sigh.... I feel like crying.

If it goes down...may be able to salvage the cycle..

Thursday, July 16, 2009

It's been a rough day...


Nothing fertility wise... just your run-of-the-mill crappy day.

I don't know what to do with this friend of mine..
I just don't. It hurts... and it's driving me insane...

i hope the loooong weekend away helps.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

this is where I'm at...

Today is cd12... I've taken the Femara for the month although I think I had more side effects... had some emotional meltdowns...

Parts of me feel sad. It is kind-of hard for everything to remain normal with my friends. gosh, even my parents. My dad doesn't understand. One of my male best friends is dealing with his own crap so he gets irritated with every little word I say. I'm stressed. I was in tears yesterday.

I try so hard to be hopeful. It can just be exhausting. Some of me just wants to give up.. and say 'oh well'... My husband is supportive but I know these moods get to him...

i HAVE taken up my knitting again though.. I'm working on socks... and I plan to try and make some for gifts to some of my most-loved ones... however, getting their shoe size COULD be difficult... haha.... using a Vogue Knitting Book

Am going away for the weekend with my husband's entire extended family so I will be bringing knitting to work on as the "itinerary" calls for alot of visits to wineries that I Can't really participate in because I can't even drink.

I am seeing my RE on Friday, 9:30am to have my mid-cycle ultrasound and potentially get the HcG shot...

more about my upcoming weekend away later!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July!!!

What a Lovely day to begin my period...

so today is CD 1. Cramps.... etc..... GRRRR...

I'm seeing the fertility doctor on Monday, July 6th... starting over again...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Fade Into You...

Song of the day: Fade Into You...

This cycle is over.

Blood work confirmed what we knew. I am not pregnant. I have an appointment with my RE on Monday July 6th to discuss the meds for next cycle. I think we'll do the same. But they also check for any cysts so that'll be a fun exam....

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

a sorta fairytale...

Which is decidedly the song of the day...

This song... as with many... has many interpretations..

take from it what you wish.. I know what it means to me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Blood Test tomorrow morning at the lab.. Can't wait to just get it over. I haven't cried - still taking the dumb progesterone pills - temp still high (DUE to those progesterone pills) and not pregnant....

I wonder why the pain is so intense month after month... I hope it won't be like that.. It was told to me it will happen when it happens... that I hope for...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


My birthday is in July... since my parents are headed to Vegas, they always want to know what I want (i.e., Coach) before they leave... I was feeling so crappy today I almost just ordered the bag myself....

picture here is the brand new Coach I want...

I resisted the urge... it will make my mom happy to buy it for me while shopping in Vegas.


Today is cd31. I took a hpt this morning & it was negative (and with 2 days until my period - it is 84% reliable so I know I am not pregnant).

I'm not having the best morning. I'm sad. I knew I would be. I haven't cried yet (which is amazing if you know me). I am just trying not to think about it.. I have to do my blood test at the hospital in 2 days so then it will be official that this month has come to a terrible ending.
I did everything right.. I hate pcos. i hate endometriosis.
Song of the day ~ Family Tree

Monday, June 29, 2009

so... after much debate..


I think I will take a hpt test in the morning as soon as I take my temperature. It will either make me smile or release the anxiety I am feeling about the unknown. tomorrow is cd31 so it would only be 2 days until my period is "expected".

good news or bad news.... I just can't wait any longer...

tomorrow morning I will test.





I'm driving myself nuts...

So I'm on cd30.. I'm driving myself nuts. I am *REALLY* trying not to analyze every little symptom that could be deemed a preg symptom. *sigh* I bought a few boxes of HPT yesterday that were on sale (although my hubby doesn't seem to think they are reliable *another sigh*). Hubby loves me to death and is worried I am getting myself too worked up over my cycle & every little symptom - & he's right.. I just want to be pregnant SO bad...

I still don't understand this temperature chart.. it makes ZERO sense to me.. what exactly does it tell me? I feel nothing - I feel it's just something the doctor can look at - but I analyze every detail trying to see if I can tell anything by it.. like why did my temp jump up some this am??

Quite honestly, I just feel like crying... not sure why.. just really hoping for a good week...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I noticed on Thursday my left ear was starting to hurt... tried not to focus too much on it... but yesterday it was like ringing, hard to ear.. painful to touch... so I drove myself to the local emergency.. where I waited like over an hour.. a woman came in with 4 screaming children & a mcdonalds bag (this is the part where the small of the food made me really nauseous).. but anyhow, I saw the doctor... felt sicker by the time I got back in the quiet room.. so apparently I have an ear infection.. never had one before in my life.. was an annoying day yesterday for me.. I was frustrated/hormonal all day.. my husband was going away for the weekend but stayed home and left this morning.. well, the doctor gave me an antibiotic and ear drops... got home & crashed into bed immediately..

my temps are still up there - but I know that's because of the progesterone pills so I am trying to remain hopeful but not OVERLY excited...

planning to relax today after I run out to the drugstore to get this prescription filled.. stick a blu-ray movie in..

~~
song of the day: Michael Jackson's smooth criminal...
(I remember growing up his videos used to be released in prime-time television.. stuff like that never happens anymore) Am still sorta stunned he passed...

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Had some nausea today... I know, I'm driving myself crazy analyzing every little symptom thinking I might be pregnant... I'm trying to remain calm.. I really truly am. It can be so hard. Looking forward to the weekend... to knitting.. I promised one of my clients (12 yr old girl) we could knit together tomorrow for a session... it's a nice feeling, this is a client that has taken so long to warm up to me... it was sweet of her to ask..

Everything is Ok..
I am preparing myself for the fact that my period will show up late next week...

for an anonymous blog, i'm feeling more comfortable sharing some of my identity... here is another pic of my hubby and I...

btw, summer is my LEAST favorite season... this icky hot weather bothers me so much.. I love the fall&winter.. I share the love of these seasons with my husband...

RIP Michael Jackson... I grew up listening to the amazing tunes!!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Trying to remain chill...


Damn, it's HARD.... emotions are up, down & all around in wonder... they call this the 2-week wait..
I'm trying to remain stress-free. My husband will be gone for the weekend but I have things to keep me occupied. I'm going to organize our office, I didn't get to this the last time he was gone.. Netflix is sending me some girl movies.. I am going to do some shopping for some cute work skirts.. and KNITTING... I have wanted to get into my knitting again... never seems like I have the time... but I want to keep my mind occupied.. on the right things.. not on the desire to do a home pregnancy test.. Friend recommended waiting to do it with my husband.... I promised.. because if negative, I might get really emotional and be upset that I am alone...
but seriously, last time he went away, I was a wreck the week before he was heading away... Don't know why.. but this time seems more OK...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Hope....


I'll admit, when it comes to my fertility, I lack hope.. why? because there has been such disappointment in the past... I'm feeling hopeful this month.. don't know if there is a specific reason or what...


I saw something special today that nearly made me cry.. it's work-related so I can't really blog about it.. but I have a client, a girl I work with who I strongly advocate for... and I witnessed something really special for her today!

my temperature went back up again this morning.... i SOOOOOOO do not understand these Body Basal Temperature thingies.... *sigh* I need to get a book on this stuff at the library or something...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day....


A little easier to handle since it's a 'dad' day.... we had our large family here... my husband's brother just had twins - they had to do IVF to get their twins... but one was sick, one was here. I had about 11 people here... I just love my little nieces.. I just want to hold them and hold them... Only one was here.. but here I was, saw they were here, I went out to get the baby out of the car.. yeah, i know... i hadn't seen her in a month. they will soon be 6 months. The more I hold her, the more I want one... sigh... I do well for a certain time period... then I get a little emotional.. try to keep it in check (YES - i AM working on that) but i want to be a mommy so bad..

here is a photo of my hair... well, the last cut, not this one.. but it's a general idea of the style.

I'm also thinking of getting a bikini wax... we'll see....

Prometrium makes me so tired.. and is affecting my temps - but I Was told not to worry. I really hope that's true.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

It was a Good Day...



Cd21. Temperature dropped as u can see at the bottom of my blog. I read that taking prometrium will cause fluctuations with my temperature so I am not so stressed about that exactly.. We're going to baby dance (hehe) for the next 2 nights anyhow.. :)

Side effects weren't as bad today. I feel better about some things I've blogged about lately. Clarification is always good.

I found myself thinking about wanting to be pregnant so bad today... It's hard not to take it day by day.. and I know now to stress people so much with the serious nature of my moods / all the little details. I have to follow up again with the person who knows of a infertility support group. I think it would greatly help.

I fed ALL the birds today... for my kitties to watch from the window thus the picture of the bird. I love hearing my kitties meow at the window as they stare at the birdies..

and in OTHER great news, I got my hair cut, new blond highlights and my eye brows waxed today...

just trying to relax. lots to do tonight/tomorrow morning as we have family coming in for Father's Day...

Friday, June 19, 2009

totally confused.


yeah, totally confused.....



Prometrium.
Taking 100mg 4 times per day. We'll see how it goes. We just keep 'baby dancing' every night. I have some hope.
More than I have had in the past.










Thank you dear FedEx lady!!!

Thursday, June 18, 2009


My cycle is going well...
we're on the marathon of having "relationship"... hilarious... or better yet, a marathon of baby dancing.. haha.
As you can see, my temperature stayed up this morning. :)
Something to smile about...
I'm praying.

~~~~~~~~~~









The lyrics got to me this morning.... so much going on.. I don't pray much..

but I pray for you & this situation. I wish I could offer my help but I can't since we haven't talked in over a year.


Perfect Girl...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

(feel free to click above image to get it larger - this is tiny)
I soooooooooo need help understanding all the temperature rises/dips...


This morning went well at the RE. Probably the best appointment to date --considering it's pouring rain.. but forget the rain.. Won't bring me down at all...
(which is why I added the sun into the post).
Follicle is still there. yay!!!! Smile, Smile, Smile.. I was afraid it would be gone. It has increased in enough size where it has a egg shell..
I'm close to ovulating.
I got my HcG shot this morning --the nurse was great, no pain - no anxiety.. I worried for nothing...
So at this point, we continue to have 'Relationship" for the next 5 days, yes, "5". The HcG shot is supposed to force ovulation.. my body is doing what it is supposed to do...
Beginning Friday (6/19), I will start taking Prometrium 100mg, 4times a day. It is supposed to "thicken and builds the lining of your uterus (called the endometrium) each month to prepare your body for pregnancy".
Going to take really good care of myself, keep taking all my medications, prenatal vitamins, Prometrium beginning Friday... and keep having 'Relationship'. I'm trying not to get super geeked about the possibility of pregnancy this month. It's the first month at the RE, first month on Femara, no other procedures, just natural.. so all I can do is hope&pray.
~~~more later~~~

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Back to the RE tomorrow. My temperature dipped a little lower than I would have liked this morning.. but I will head back to the RE tomorrow.. We had 'Relationship' (lol) last night and will again tonight.... Not sure if the temperature lowering is a bad sign... but here it is.... I'm going to believe/have hope!!
*All I can do it wait to see what the ultrasound shows tomorrow and go from there... it's quite stressful so I am going to try and just relax, relax, relax... as much as it is on my mind.. relax, relax, relax.... more tomorrow.


Just Leave me Alone...



(not a fan of this video ----but hard to find something that wasn't copyrighted)

Lyrics are amazing --I think many can relate.. I know I can...

~~~~~~
Lyrics:
Leave Me Alone lyrics
I ask you to hold me, but you don't wanna hold me,
it doesn't work that way
I want you to love me, but you don't wanna love me,
I'm losing patience now
oh leave me alone (oh leave me alone)
stop asking for more
I'm goin' home on my own
oh leave me alone (oh leave me alone)
I'm walking out of the doorI'll make it on my own
leave me alone
leave me alone
leave me alone
just leave me alone
you like me to stroke you
careful I don't choke you,
did you read my mind
you say don't be blue
that is the best you can do
I've lost my patience now
~~~~~~~
Lyrics reference nobody specifically just basic situations that pop up in life. I love to analyze music. I love quotes and I use musical lyrics to help me analyze things going on in my life... I think we've all felt this way at one point in another.. it's about finding balance, making a decision and deciding how to move forward. Fun stuff.... nobody said at age 30 we should know it all....

Monday, June 15, 2009


I use Pandora at the office. And last week was troubling.. not that an observer would see that, in fact, quite the opposite. I can count on one hand the amount of people who could tell I was dealing with something. (But damn, aren't I always??) Pandora kicks on Trouble by Coldplay like 20 seconds after I get off a call. Yeah, so I sat at my desk and cried. (and seriously, people just don't understand the power of letting go in your own tears.) I just sat there, listened, let the tears fall. I think I needed the cry. There is just SO much going on, so many changes.. so much so that I'm losing track of it all. I'm an emotional mess at times, especially lately - and I just won't apologize for it. That's almost like a lie to me.

Why do I need to hide from you what's tearing me up?? and... just when I think I make a safe choice, well, not so much. I let that battle go. Just can't force it. The pain of latest mistakes made are nearly killing my little heart.

The song was just what pushed me over the edge, I was like... uh-oh... and there it all was. It's a song that can put most to tears depending on mood...

So there it is really... another change, (this one will be MUCH harder for me to analyze moving forward - didn't I do everything right?) more to absorbe....


~~


Fertility wise, I have to go back again Wednesday. I went Friday (no follicles), this morning (cd16 & FINALLY - a follicle in my right ovary - yes, my RIGHT) and will head back Wednesday morning to hopefully get the HcG shot. (The follicle is growing--My temperature rose like it was supposed to, i apparently want it to stay up. I would post that chart here if I knew how). Not that I really want the horrible shot - it causes me more anxiety every time I go in and they don't give me the damn thing.. I hate the stupid thing in my purse right now. As she said to me Friday, have 'relationship' with husband. lol. which is what she said today - so yeah, more 'relationship' with T. Tonight & Tomorrow night. It's kinda empowering today to know my body is actually doing what it is supposed to do. Here is more on the ovulation process.. it helped me to read it because I don't understand a damn word my RE says to me (ok, half of that is I barely understand her english.. but the rest is she talks medical terminology that is like a foreign language to me).

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

How I feel today.


I feel completely alone today.
Like not a soul in the world understands me.
Doesn't even feel worth it today to reach out to anyone...
there aren't many who get it anyhow..
Seems like me against the world
~
and I know now some just listen because they feel like they "have" too..
I'll pass.
That's useless.
**Honesty works so much better with me**
~maybe some people just forgot that~
Have a call to make..... hopefully can find a support group in this area for infertility.


Thursday, June 4, 2009



Funny the way it is....If you think about it...









Wednesday, June 3, 2009


So I was thinking about this for some time today. I apologize pretty frequently. and I'm a girl who uses google for oh, everything.... so I found this:
Why We Apologize Too Much, and How to Stop

The article was quite informative to me.... the premise is this:
"Many women make apologizing a habit -- either to avoid conflict, to please others, or simply as a social crutch".

so i thought after just that intro before even reading the article... I realized I do it to please others & occasionally to avoid conflict. (although I freely admit I do it to please others 90% of the time).

I can't read minds...
I never know if I've messed up, I totally own up when I screw up.. so I apologize. It's not a fake apology. I mean it. I feel bad when I feel I've screwed up, said the wrong thing (I ALWAYS feel like I say the wrong things & make a fool out of myself) & am potentially offending someone I care about.. so I apologize to please. in a way, the crazy thought is I need to immediately apologize so I don't push the person away in whatever stupid thing I may have said. (yeah, i typically say alot of dumb things.. but that's a different thing I have to work on). I drive people insane with these apologies.

I will apologize to avoid conflict with someone I care about. Sometimes the battle isn't worth fighting so I give in.... I'm better at picking and choosing my battles than I used to be....

I've lost so many friends in the past year so I have to look deep inside myself and find out why... some were never REAL friends.. some used me.. but the fact is they aren't there now... so I went wrong somewhere... and now, I developed this habit of apologizing to please because I don't want to lose the people I have in my life right now... If you're reading this (well, nobody READS this... lol lol) you'll be able to tell I'm kinda girly/silly/emotional/somewhat crazy... *shrug*.

where do I go from here?
~~~

***I want to Stop Apologizing.. ****
but damn, that article scared me...
~~Am I communicating a message about dominance and submission in the relationship and placing myself in the lower position because I apologize???
~~~Am I coming across weak?? "
Apologies are taken as a sign of weakness."

***OK, so that article came from a feminist point of view.. of which I am not what I'd consider a feminist.. In fact, likely the opposite as I look up to men. I never said I wasn't old-fashioned.

I also found this last piece informative because it fits ME exactly.... apologizing is a habit, i get scared to offend, can be on eggshells with people and lastly, I find it easier to always blame myself...

I'm one of those people who can freely admit they are FAR from perfect and have much growing to do... I make mistakes daily.. but I am open to ideas/feedback.. sometimes it takes me a few hours to think of what was said.. or even a few days... but I do it.
I want to be a better ME...

I'm going through alot...
I'm terrible at shutting people out when I need them the most...
partly due to fear..
it's scary to think of burning someone out..
so they don't want to deal with you anymore..
it's easier to hide. This IS another of my flaws.
Lately I find myself quieter with friends..
keeping things to myself that I wouldn't have in the past...
you can only expect so much from any (1) friend... so I'm so careful..




Took Femara a little bit ago... first night, 4 to go. Just feeling a little tired now..

I might just hop into bed with a book..

This is what I am reading...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Work is pretty crazy so I was glad to make it to my RE appointment on-time today at 1:30.
I sooooo enjoyed my lovely female exam... hahaha...
I'm so used to it now it doesn't even bother me much.

The doctor gave me (3) different prescriptions.

*Femara, 2.5 mg, starting cd4 (tomorrow), to take for 5 days.
an HCG shot to get filled so she can give it to me when I come back for my mid-cycle ultrasound... (more about that below)
AND... more prometrium.... sigh... (this isn't a fun drug). Apparently it's supposed to be taken after I ovulate for some reason, but I will have to get more info on that LATER.... I'm just focused on the Femara starting tomorrow. It's supposed to have less side effects than Clomid... so I'm keeping my fingers crosses and hoping I do OK on it.

getting that HCG shot is kinda difficult tho.. my insurance for prescriptions, Caremark, I think has to MAIL it to me... weird.... *shrug* Will try to get more info on that in the next day or 2.

so then.....
My RE hands me this pages of charts.. i'm like... oh, lovely... they are Basal Body Temperature Charts. Yeah, fun... every morning, before I get out of bed, I get to take my temperature and leave the "special" thermometer in my mouth for 3 minutes. *rolling eyes*
I have to do it... I have to bring these charts to all my appointments now. So excited.
(Note the exciting example of how a "chart" looks here in the blog entry)


I will go back on June 12th at 7:30am for a mid-cycle ultrasound to get that SHOT and to see what my eggs are doing, are they maturing? are we close to ovulation?

~~~~~~~

Lots of other weird stuff happened today.. but that's not for this blog entry...

Monday, June 1, 2009


You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
~~~~~~~~~~~




~Everything just isn't black and white~

Monday, Cycle day 2.

*Labs done this morning.
*Appointment Scheduled for tomorrow.

Just waiting to see the doctor tomorrow to get things going. *Smiles*

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Cycle Day 1.....

Ok, I started my period this morning. Light spotting.. but it's here... which means I won't have to take the remainder of the prometrium... next up, a pregnancy test at the lab to confirm I am not pregnant... make appointment to get into our Fertility doctor for day 3 (Tuesday?) and then we're starting Femara...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

When you love....



"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." ~ Anon.....


When you love... and know they want to fly... do you let them go??



Love means something different to everyone... I love many people in my life... Do I open myself too easily??
Oh, probably... The amount of times I've been burned by "friends" you'd think I would learn.. I've never wanted to be that cold-hearted girl.. I always wanted to be the girl who gave chance after chance... I recently made the realization that some people will never change and I'm wasting my time. It hurts. It's not even a matter of letting them fly away to see if they return....

now those people.... ah... those people...

Let them fly... Let them go... if it was love.... if it was meant to be someone who is supposed to be in your life.. they will return... if they don't.... there is your answer... You can never hold onto people because you like them in your life... It's a 2-way street... both people need to be actively involved in the friendship/love/whatever term... :P


Friday, May 22, 2009

Work...


Work has been pretty stressful.. too much to do, too little time.. I separate work stuff from my personal life really well but sometimes they can intersect.. when I find out things that bother me to the core... finding out (for the 2nd time) that people fake liking you can really impact your mind, ability to get things done. I'm very devoted to my job. I just need some days off and I mean a little longer than the upcoming weekend....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So I think we actually got somewhat of a plan for our next cycle. I will be starting a drug called Femara. This medication is supposed to be stronger than the nasty Clomid and will hopefully get me to ovulate properly. They will monitor me more closely and do ultrasounds to pinpoint when I am about to ovulate. Overall, a decent appointment. I will have to take that nasty prometrium to jumpstart my period though if it does not arrive on it own... Yuck!

I'm having some hope now that we are moving along in this process a little more...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Love this song. It's sexy dirty, right to the point.....


I almost turn into a crazy person actually. I have never lived alone and my husband only goes away once in awhile. I don't sleep well. I can't take sleeping pills to knock me out & only this morning I realized I should have taken Benadryl (duh!!). I drive people insane when I'm home alone.
Should have had some wine this weekend.. maybe I will today while I am cleaning,organizing stuff.

*shrug*

Knowing hubby will be in my bed tonight, however late he arrives is a good feeling.

Cuddling with my kitties helped last night.. I was able to get Norah to snuggle close while I fell asleep.

;;