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"I don't know what to be without you around"

she came to see me yesterday, put her headphones on me and said, listen to this, it's kinda how I feel about you. "Never simple, never easy" she said to me.. It was a CD I'd let her borrow a few months ago before any of this began. "Never wanted this, Never wanted to see you hurt".
"People are people and sometimes things don't work out"... and the worst "Nobody's here to save me". I wouldn't let myself cry.. but damn, she has matured so much in the past year it kills me to know how much she loves me. She has said "You're the only one who loves me"; "you're my best friend" and I work so hard on not crossing boundaries, not caring too much.. but the truth of the matter is I love this girl. I can't control what happens, where she goes.. but I know I've left an impact on her heart.



There are lyrics I want say back to her "But it's killing me to see you go after all this time" but I don't think I can.. I feel so torn..

She came in and checked in with me today per her usual.. and said "I'm sorry" "I'm sorry". It was all I could do to just hug her and cry right with her.

We'll use what time we have for closure (it seems now to being heading that way) and I'll work on letting go.

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It's been 8 weeks and a day...

Time.... I'd never imagined it would end like this. In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next. I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth. My days used to revolve around you... Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away. I look back with regret.. Why didn't I see this?? I see it all now. Every little piece. i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life. I will remember the moments...

Today is February 9th, 2011. & this is where I am.

I'm much better. well, most days. It's been 5 months and about 10 days. I do not keep track. I try to forget the entire debacle. I miss her. I wonder about her. Today, I re-gained some of the power I had thought I lost in my heart. She told me she loved me & knows the whole story. I said nothing. I can't. But the knowing, just the knowing.. wow.