My home is where my story begins.....

I'd give anything for a baby.. will be seeing new Fertility Doctor tomorow.

We officially have an appointment with a new RE doctor Thursday July 22.2010 I cannot believe i am even excited about THIS as progress but I am since I have waited so long!

Our fertility office is officially closed... sigh... which means once my husband has healed.. we must search for a new doctor.. & the closest locations are at least 1 hour away... lovely, eh?

So hi there.. i am just finishing a three-day weekend. Just doesn't seem long enough. Not feeling completely motivated to start my week because it is going to be really insane again but I know I have to approach the stress a different way. I had a good day. Went to the spa. Got my hair cut & highlighted.. I really needed it.. Also got my eyebrows waxed and something else waxed.. haha.. Hey, I'll try anything once... that's my philosophy. My husband asked me 3 times today if I ordered the fertility monitor so I ordered it tonight from amazon -2 day shipping for free... so it will be here for my next cycle.. It would be a shock if this cycle ended in pregnancy. I'm so pessimistic now.. I hope this monitor helps us with knowing when our peak fertile days are. It was nice to see him so eager for me to order this. And my song of the day: Chasing Pirates by Norah Jones.. because well, i feel this way sometimes late at night... Beautiful Lyrics: "In your message you ...

So we've been trying alot on our own this month.. strongly considering purchasing the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor . The reviews seem pretty good. Some good, some bad.. how will I know unless I try it. Seems like it might help pinpoint more of when I am most fertile which is something we clearly struggle with due to my irregular periods and length of cycles. My husband seems supportive of us buying and trying this product. I want to do a little more research, though. It's getting harder everywhere I look to see people with babies because I want one so bad. I want to be a mommy. Every passing month it breaks my heart a little more. and when I feel like this, I listen to my favorite song....

So.. the blog is helpful for me to process many things.. but it's also a reminder of what isn't here... a baby.. a pregnancy.. I'm on cd43. I obviously didn't ovulate this month.. who knows when I will get a period.. it's incredibly frustrating.. I need to take the prometrium hormone so I can have a period.. i've taken a ton of time off the fertility medicine.. AFTER this upcoming cycle, we'll get going again.. both my husband and I have baby fever even more than normal... it's such a rough feeling to have.. I had to make a tough decision recently.. it's still fresh.. it's never easy to end a friendship. Especially someone you've talked to for a pretty long time.. & in typical "me" fashion, music always helps me through a tough situation. This will take some time for me to move forward from.. It helps that I am going on an amazing vacation to Walt Disney World and staying at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa for 7 amazing nigh...

So... I apparently have nothing for follicles this month... from what I understand, anyhow.. this lady makes no sense to me.. i'm getting so fed up. I took my husband this time because I am so fed up with the lack of plan.. she must have told me (3) different things today... Ugh... I had a major meltdown in a co-worker's office (who was supportive.. and I try to hide this crap at work the best I can). I wish there was a different doctor I could see... I researched.. and found that there IS another one in Lansing however he works 1 half-day per week... yuck.... in my meltdown mode... i touched base with my boss... god love her.. she completely understands... and this is a CRAZY week at work to say the least... I reached out to my sister-in-law who has been this... and she recommended this book: A Few Good Eggs I went ahead and ordered " The Conception Chronicles " God knows I need some laughter in my life dealing with this... I confused as hell... sad.. trying to keep ...

I generally use lyrics to process my feelings.... lots to post this week... bad week at the Fertility office... and I want to write down my feelings here... I'll add more later..... a new CD by Ingrid Michaelson just came out... and this song "Are we There yet?" just GOT me.... it can be viewed by different people in many ways I realize... but some of the lyrics brought me to tears thinking of the baby I am yet to have..... "They say you're really not somebody Until somebody else loves you Well, I am waiting to make somebody Somebody soon " ~Ingrid Michaelson...

I apparently have (1) follicle, very small... going back this Wednesday.. this office drives me insane.. there never is a plan... I'm going to try to take my husband this Wednesday for support.

Not pregnant... again..... already on cd 8 in my new cycle.... that last cycle was SO hard to take for me... I REALLY had hope... i feel defeated. the tears were the hardest this time... I don't know why, it's the same EVERY month... why me?? I want to be a mommy so bad... is it ever going to happen for me? I hate infertility, I hate PCOS... and I HATE endometriosis...

getting closer to taking a hpt.. I think I will take one on Saturday morning which will be cd28. It's been a long work week --greatly looking forward to the weekend. relaxation, knitting, reading. Am feeling loved today.

Today is cd24 - 9 dpo. yeah, i've got some early preg symptoms... but they are also side effects from the progesterone I take 4x daily... so I'm trying not to overanalyze... really hoping the de-stressing/not analyzing will help me ease the disappointment of AF if/when she arrives.. Sigh. Completed day 2 of WiiActive (the program is KIND - it gave me the day off tomorrow). My upper thighs ACHE sooooooooo bad. In other news... ahh... feeling upset with a friend today. Feel completely useless as a friend no matter how hard I try... I don't even know what to do or say right now.. Seems like all my words go unheard.. when do you know if you're wasting your time pushing a friendship onto someone that they don't even want... Lyrically ~ this is what I want to say: " So.......If you ever want something... You call, you call.......And I'll come running to fight......And I'll be at your door"

The 2ww is always kinda hard... looking at every little symptom as a possibility of early pregnancy symptoms... yes, i realize I am driving myself insane.... as usual when it comes to cycles where I think I have a possibility of being pregnant... i've been kinda moody the past 2 days... very irritable, etc... this weekend hasn't been very good, either... I slept most of Saturday.. then T took me to dinner @ Bravo (italian). I'll relax today, knit, read.... maybe do some laundry.. exciting, eh??? work's been kinda crazy... the upcoming week has some crazy meetings I have to plan.. etc, etc... and my mind is on my cycle... i'm 7dpo today so each day this week my mind will be on my cycle --my hope that my period will not arrive... hoping my temperature will stay up (although the prometrium 4x a day is doing that for me).

This is my least favorite part of the cycle... but some months I have nothing to wait for so I know I should hush and be grateful that for this 2ww that I *do* have something to wait for... it's always hard to wait... my blood test isn't until august 31st. It will be an exciting day or another bummer... luckily that weekend will be labor day - the start of football season (which I love) and maybe will be able to have a drink if my period starts around then.. All I can do is hope&pray.. which is what I do every month..

Spent the past 4 nights trying to concieve. I'm trying to be hopeful yet not get too excited, obsessive, etc... the 2-week wait is never any fun. Last month I didn't ovulate/release an egg so I was pretty down. I started the prometrium yesterday (1oomg 4x daily). This is the drug that makes me tired yet prepares my body supposedly in case I do get pregnant. Just trying to remain positive. The HcG shot on Friday would have caused me to ovulate already but I think we will baby-dance tonight as well just in case.

So I saw my RE yesterday..... and there were 2 growing follicles (FINALLY!!!!!!!!!) I would be happy with one. One follicle was much smaller than the other so she asked me to come back today to do another ultrasound to see if the smaller one would grow. And this morning I went... and both follicles are growing. She gave me the HcG shot that will force ovulation within 36 hours... so I actually have 2 eggs to work with this month.. I am very hopeful for a change.. that's like 2 chances at getting pregnant! I've had such a rotten few months with TTC that I hope&pray that this could be my month.. I won't get too ahead of myself. My RE said to have "relationship" all weekend... so that's what we'll do!!! Please pray for me! --More later!!

This has to be the worst it's ever been.... I literally feel like I am crawling the walls... took the last dose of this medicine... i'm so sick.. poor T doesn't even know what to say. :( Make it Stop!!!!!

I think I've got a secret heart .. the song makes me cry because it's so true. The very secret I'm concealing is the one I'm dying to reveal. Damn - I just about cannot stand it anymore. I'm so tired of pretending to be this person people expect.. I'm mad, ok? I'm angry.. I wouldn't wish this secret ("infertility") on ANYONE..... it feels like a hidden world, seriously.. daily, I swear a part of my heart dies.. is it ever going to happen?? Will I ever be a mommy? Nothing changes - Nobody know - Nobody understand -- and they never know what to say. The small group of people that do know just say "it'll happen eventually" or "well, you just started THIS med"... stop!!!!! stop!!!! stop!!!! The comments make it worse - just hug me. offer comfort... meaningless words just make me put up a wall... I really fight this. I get up everyday. I smile. I think positive. but damn if it isn't lonely. Secret Heart Why so my...

It appears I will not ovulate at all this month. No follicles even at this point today. She doesn't seem to think that I will ovulate at all.... It's all very sad... and I cried upon leaving. It feels nobody understands. I do not even understand it myself. I guess next month we'll increase the medication. I'm so down.. I love my husband. But even he doesn't know what to say... one of my best friends is about to not be my best friend anymore --at least that is how it feels --all he&I do is fight all the time --and the fighting has went on for weeks.. Every month it gets harder and harder to take this.. I don't know what to do. It's stressful to know what step to take moving forward.. Luckily I have one more day off this week... my regular annual at the obgyn.. so lovely..

I had my mid-cycle ultrasound this morning... well, it appears I may have ALREADY ovulated.... wtf??? My temp went up on day 11... shot up again this morning... we'll monitor the temperature this weekend and if it stays up, I O'd. Sigh.... I feel like crying. If it goes down...may be able to salvage the cycle..