Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My birthday is in July... since my parents are headed to Vegas, they always want to know what I want (i.e., Coach) before they leave... I was feeling so crappy today I almost just ordered the bag myself....

picture here is the brand new Coach I want...

I resisted the urge... it will make my mom happy to buy it for me while shopping in Vegas.

Today is cd31. I took a hpt this morning & it was negative (and with 2 days until my period - it is 84% reliable so I know I am not pregnant).

I'm not having the best morning. I'm sad. I knew I would be. I haven't cried yet (which is amazing if you know me). I am just trying not to think about it.. I have to do my blood test at the hospital in 2 days so then it will be official that this month has come to a terrible ending.
I did everything right.. I hate pcos. i hate endometriosis.
Song of the day ~ Family Tree

Monday, June 29, 2009

so... after much debate..

I think I will take a hpt test in the morning as soon as I take my temperature. It will either make me smile or release the anxiety I am feeling about the unknown. tomorrow is cd31 so it would only be 2 days until my period is "expected".

good news or bad news.... I just can't wait any longer...

tomorrow morning I will test.

I'm driving myself nuts...

So I'm on cd30.. I'm driving myself nuts. I am *REALLY* trying not to analyze every little symptom that could be deemed a preg symptom. *sigh* I bought a few boxes of HPT yesterday that were on sale (although my hubby doesn't seem to think they are reliable *another sigh*). Hubby loves me to death and is worried I am getting myself too worked up over my cycle & every little symptom - & he's right.. I just want to be pregnant SO bad...

I still don't understand this temperature chart.. it makes ZERO sense to me.. what exactly does it tell me? I feel nothing - I feel it's just something the doctor can look at - but I analyze every detail trying to see if I can tell anything by it.. like why did my temp jump up some this am??

Quite honestly, I just feel like crying... not sure why.. just really hoping for a good week...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I noticed on Thursday my left ear was starting to hurt... tried not to focus too much on it... but yesterday it was like ringing, hard to ear.. painful to touch... so I drove myself to the local emergency.. where I waited like over an hour.. a woman came in with 4 screaming children & a mcdonalds bag (this is the part where the small of the food made me really nauseous).. but anyhow, I saw the doctor... felt sicker by the time I got back in the quiet room.. so apparently I have an ear infection.. never had one before in my life.. was an annoying day yesterday for me.. I was frustrated/hormonal all day.. my husband was going away for the weekend but stayed home and left this morning.. well, the doctor gave me an antibiotic and ear drops... got home & crashed into bed immediately..

my temps are still up there - but I know that's because of the progesterone pills so I am trying to remain hopeful but not OVERLY excited...

planning to relax today after I run out to the drugstore to get this prescription filled.. stick a blu-ray movie in..

song of the day: Michael Jackson's smooth criminal...
(I remember growing up his videos used to be released in prime-time television.. stuff like that never happens anymore) Am still sorta stunned he passed...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Had some nausea today... I know, I'm driving myself crazy analyzing every little symptom thinking I might be pregnant... I'm trying to remain calm.. I really truly am. It can be so hard. Looking forward to the weekend... to knitting.. I promised one of my clients (12 yr old girl) we could knit together tomorrow for a session... it's a nice feeling, this is a client that has taken so long to warm up to me... it was sweet of her to ask..

Everything is Ok..
I am preparing myself for the fact that my period will show up late next week...

for an anonymous blog, i'm feeling more comfortable sharing some of my identity... here is another pic of my hubby and I...

btw, summer is my LEAST favorite season... this icky hot weather bothers me so much.. I love the fall&winter.. I share the love of these seasons with my husband...

RIP Michael Jackson... I grew up listening to the amazing tunes!!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Trying to remain chill...

Damn, it's HARD.... emotions are up, down & all around in wonder... they call this the 2-week wait..
I'm trying to remain stress-free. My husband will be gone for the weekend but I have things to keep me occupied. I'm going to organize our office, I didn't get to this the last time he was gone.. Netflix is sending me some girl movies.. I am going to do some shopping for some cute work skirts.. and KNITTING... I have wanted to get into my knitting again... never seems like I have the time... but I want to keep my mind occupied.. on the right things.. not on the desire to do a home pregnancy test.. Friend recommended waiting to do it with my husband.... I promised.. because if negative, I might get really emotional and be upset that I am alone...
but seriously, last time he went away, I was a wreck the week before he was heading away... Don't know why.. but this time seems more OK...

Monday, June 22, 2009


I'll admit, when it comes to my fertility, I lack hope.. why? because there has been such disappointment in the past... I'm feeling hopeful this month.. don't know if there is a specific reason or what...

I saw something special today that nearly made me cry.. it's work-related so I can't really blog about it.. but I have a client, a girl I work with who I strongly advocate for... and I witnessed something really special for her today!

my temperature went back up again this morning.... i SOOOOOOO do not understand these Body Basal Temperature thingies.... *sigh* I need to get a book on this stuff at the library or something...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day....

A little easier to handle since it's a 'dad' day.... we had our large family here... my husband's brother just had twins - they had to do IVF to get their twins... but one was sick, one was here. I had about 11 people here... I just love my little nieces.. I just want to hold them and hold them... Only one was here.. but here I was, saw they were here, I went out to get the baby out of the car.. yeah, i know... i hadn't seen her in a month. they will soon be 6 months. The more I hold her, the more I want one... sigh... I do well for a certain time period... then I get a little emotional.. try to keep it in check (YES - i AM working on that) but i want to be a mommy so bad..

here is a photo of my hair... well, the last cut, not this one.. but it's a general idea of the style.

I'm also thinking of getting a bikini wax... we'll see....

Prometrium makes me so tired.. and is affecting my temps - but I Was told not to worry. I really hope that's true.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

It was a Good Day...

Cd21. Temperature dropped as u can see at the bottom of my blog. I read that taking prometrium will cause fluctuations with my temperature so I am not so stressed about that exactly.. We're going to baby dance (hehe) for the next 2 nights anyhow.. :)

Side effects weren't as bad today. I feel better about some things I've blogged about lately. Clarification is always good.

I found myself thinking about wanting to be pregnant so bad today... It's hard not to take it day by day.. and I know now to stress people so much with the serious nature of my moods / all the little details. I have to follow up again with the person who knows of a infertility support group. I think it would greatly help.

I fed ALL the birds today... for my kitties to watch from the window thus the picture of the bird. I love hearing my kitties meow at the window as they stare at the birdies..

and in OTHER great news, I got my hair cut, new blond highlights and my eye brows waxed today...

just trying to relax. lots to do tonight/tomorrow morning as we have family coming in for Father's Day...

Friday, June 19, 2009

totally confused.

yeah, totally confused.....

Taking 100mg 4 times per day. We'll see how it goes. We just keep 'baby dancing' every night. I have some hope.
More than I have had in the past.

Thank you dear FedEx lady!!!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

My cycle is going well...
we're on the marathon of having "relationship"... hilarious... or better yet, a marathon of baby dancing.. haha.
As you can see, my temperature stayed up this morning. :)
Something to smile about...
I'm praying.


The lyrics got to me this morning.... so much going on.. I don't pray much..

but I pray for you & this situation. I wish I could offer my help but I can't since we haven't talked in over a year.

Perfect Girl...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

(feel free to click above image to get it larger - this is tiny)
I soooooooooo need help understanding all the temperature rises/dips...

This morning went well at the RE. Probably the best appointment to date --considering it's pouring rain.. but forget the rain.. Won't bring me down at all...
(which is why I added the sun into the post).
Follicle is still there. yay!!!! Smile, Smile, Smile.. I was afraid it would be gone. It has increased in enough size where it has a egg shell..
I'm close to ovulating.
I got my HcG shot this morning --the nurse was great, no pain - no anxiety.. I worried for nothing...
So at this point, we continue to have 'Relationship" for the next 5 days, yes, "5". The HcG shot is supposed to force ovulation.. my body is doing what it is supposed to do...
Beginning Friday (6/19), I will start taking Prometrium 100mg, 4times a day. It is supposed to "thicken and builds the lining of your uterus (called the endometrium) each month to prepare your body for pregnancy".
Going to take really good care of myself, keep taking all my medications, prenatal vitamins, Prometrium beginning Friday... and keep having 'Relationship'. I'm trying not to get super geeked about the possibility of pregnancy this month. It's the first month at the RE, first month on Femara, no other procedures, just natural.. so all I can do is hope&pray.
~~~more later~~~

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Back to the RE tomorrow. My temperature dipped a little lower than I would have liked this morning.. but I will head back to the RE tomorrow.. We had 'Relationship' (lol) last night and will again tonight.... Not sure if the temperature lowering is a bad sign... but here it is.... I'm going to believe/have hope!!
*All I can do it wait to see what the ultrasound shows tomorrow and go from there... it's quite stressful so I am going to try and just relax, relax, relax... as much as it is on my mind.. relax, relax, relax.... more tomorrow.

Just Leave me Alone...

(not a fan of this video ----but hard to find something that wasn't copyrighted)

Lyrics are amazing --I think many can relate.. I know I can...

Leave Me Alone lyrics
I ask you to hold me, but you don't wanna hold me,
it doesn't work that way
I want you to love me, but you don't wanna love me,
I'm losing patience now
oh leave me alone (oh leave me alone)
stop asking for more
I'm goin' home on my own
oh leave me alone (oh leave me alone)
I'm walking out of the doorI'll make it on my own
leave me alone
leave me alone
leave me alone
just leave me alone
you like me to stroke you
careful I don't choke you,
did you read my mind
you say don't be blue
that is the best you can do
I've lost my patience now
Lyrics reference nobody specifically just basic situations that pop up in life. I love to analyze music. I love quotes and I use musical lyrics to help me analyze things going on in my life... I think we've all felt this way at one point in another.. it's about finding balance, making a decision and deciding how to move forward. Fun stuff.... nobody said at age 30 we should know it all....

Monday, June 15, 2009

I use Pandora at the office. And last week was troubling.. not that an observer would see that, in fact, quite the opposite. I can count on one hand the amount of people who could tell I was dealing with something. (But damn, aren't I always??) Pandora kicks on Trouble by Coldplay like 20 seconds after I get off a call. Yeah, so I sat at my desk and cried. (and seriously, people just don't understand the power of letting go in your own tears.) I just sat there, listened, let the tears fall. I think I needed the cry. There is just SO much going on, so many changes.. so much so that I'm losing track of it all. I'm an emotional mess at times, especially lately - and I just won't apologize for it. That's almost like a lie to me.

Why do I need to hide from you what's tearing me up?? and... just when I think I make a safe choice, well, not so much. I let that battle go. Just can't force it. The pain of latest mistakes made are nearly killing my little heart.

The song was just what pushed me over the edge, I was like... uh-oh... and there it all was. It's a song that can put most to tears depending on mood...

So there it is really... another change, (this one will be MUCH harder for me to analyze moving forward - didn't I do everything right?) more to absorbe....


Fertility wise, I have to go back again Wednesday. I went Friday (no follicles), this morning (cd16 & FINALLY - a follicle in my right ovary - yes, my RIGHT) and will head back Wednesday morning to hopefully get the HcG shot. (The follicle is growing--My temperature rose like it was supposed to, i apparently want it to stay up. I would post that chart here if I knew how). Not that I really want the horrible shot - it causes me more anxiety every time I go in and they don't give me the damn thing.. I hate the stupid thing in my purse right now. As she said to me Friday, have 'relationship' with husband. lol. which is what she said today - so yeah, more 'relationship' with T. Tonight & Tomorrow night. It's kinda empowering today to know my body is actually doing what it is supposed to do. Here is more on the ovulation process.. it helped me to read it because I don't understand a damn word my RE says to me (ok, half of that is I barely understand her english.. but the rest is she talks medical terminology that is like a foreign language to me).

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

How I feel today.

I feel completely alone today.
Like not a soul in the world understands me.
Doesn't even feel worth it today to reach out to anyone...
there aren't many who get it anyhow..
Seems like me against the world
and I know now some just listen because they feel like they "have" too..
I'll pass.
That's useless.
**Honesty works so much better with me**
~maybe some people just forgot that~
Have a call to make..... hopefully can find a support group in this area for infertility.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Funny the way it is....If you think about it...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

So I was thinking about this for some time today. I apologize pretty frequently. and I'm a girl who uses google for oh, everything.... so I found this:
Why We Apologize Too Much, and How to Stop

The article was quite informative to me.... the premise is this:
"Many women make apologizing a habit -- either to avoid conflict, to please others, or simply as a social crutch".

so i thought after just that intro before even reading the article... I realized I do it to please others & occasionally to avoid conflict. (although I freely admit I do it to please others 90% of the time).

I can't read minds...
I never know if I've messed up, I totally own up when I screw up.. so I apologize. It's not a fake apology. I mean it. I feel bad when I feel I've screwed up, said the wrong thing (I ALWAYS feel like I say the wrong things & make a fool out of myself) & am potentially offending someone I care about.. so I apologize to please. in a way, the crazy thought is I need to immediately apologize so I don't push the person away in whatever stupid thing I may have said. (yeah, i typically say alot of dumb things.. but that's a different thing I have to work on). I drive people insane with these apologies.

I will apologize to avoid conflict with someone I care about. Sometimes the battle isn't worth fighting so I give in.... I'm better at picking and choosing my battles than I used to be....

I've lost so many friends in the past year so I have to look deep inside myself and find out why... some were never REAL friends.. some used me.. but the fact is they aren't there now... so I went wrong somewhere... and now, I developed this habit of apologizing to please because I don't want to lose the people I have in my life right now... If you're reading this (well, nobody READS this... lol lol) you'll be able to tell I'm kinda girly/silly/emotional/somewhat crazy... *shrug*.

where do I go from here?

***I want to Stop Apologizing.. ****
but damn, that article scared me...
~~Am I communicating a message about dominance and submission in the relationship and placing myself in the lower position because I apologize???
~~~Am I coming across weak?? "
Apologies are taken as a sign of weakness."

***OK, so that article came from a feminist point of view.. of which I am not what I'd consider a feminist.. In fact, likely the opposite as I look up to men. I never said I wasn't old-fashioned.

I also found this last piece informative because it fits ME exactly.... apologizing is a habit, i get scared to offend, can be on eggshells with people and lastly, I find it easier to always blame myself...

I'm one of those people who can freely admit they are FAR from perfect and have much growing to do... I make mistakes daily.. but I am open to ideas/feedback.. sometimes it takes me a few hours to think of what was said.. or even a few days... but I do it.
I want to be a better ME...

I'm going through alot...
I'm terrible at shutting people out when I need them the most...
partly due to fear..
it's scary to think of burning someone out..
so they don't want to deal with you anymore..
it's easier to hide. This IS another of my flaws.
Lately I find myself quieter with friends..
keeping things to myself that I wouldn't have in the past...
you can only expect so much from any (1) friend... so I'm so careful..

Took Femara a little bit ago... first night, 4 to go. Just feeling a little tired now..

I might just hop into bed with a book..

This is what I am reading...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Work is pretty crazy so I was glad to make it to my RE appointment on-time today at 1:30.
I sooooo enjoyed my lovely female exam... hahaha...
I'm so used to it now it doesn't even bother me much.

The doctor gave me (3) different prescriptions.

*Femara, 2.5 mg, starting cd4 (tomorrow), to take for 5 days.
an HCG shot to get filled so she can give it to me when I come back for my mid-cycle ultrasound... (more about that below)
AND... more prometrium.... sigh... (this isn't a fun drug). Apparently it's supposed to be taken after I ovulate for some reason, but I will have to get more info on that LATER.... I'm just focused on the Femara starting tomorrow. It's supposed to have less side effects than Clomid... so I'm keeping my fingers crosses and hoping I do OK on it.

getting that HCG shot is kinda difficult tho.. my insurance for prescriptions, Caremark, I think has to MAIL it to me... weird.... *shrug* Will try to get more info on that in the next day or 2.

so then.....
My RE hands me this pages of charts.. i'm like... oh, lovely... they are Basal Body Temperature Charts. Yeah, fun... every morning, before I get out of bed, I get to take my temperature and leave the "special" thermometer in my mouth for 3 minutes. *rolling eyes*
I have to do it... I have to bring these charts to all my appointments now. So excited.
(Note the exciting example of how a "chart" looks here in the blog entry)

I will go back on June 12th at 7:30am for a mid-cycle ultrasound to get that SHOT and to see what my eggs are doing, are they maturing? are we close to ovulation?


Lots of other weird stuff happened today.. but that's not for this blog entry...

Monday, June 1, 2009

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first

~Everything just isn't black and white~

Monday, Cycle day 2.

*Labs done this morning.
*Appointment Scheduled for tomorrow.

Just waiting to see the doctor tomorrow to get things going. *Smiles*