My home is where my story begins.....

I find myself looking at this journey today and wanting to share with you what happened to me. I was going to edit the hell out of this and delete this entire thing and made a conscious decision not to do so.. why is that?  Well, i know what I went through and the amount of online research I did when given many "terms" used in this blog. The "cd" and "ttc" and "BBT" and "clomid" (likely the most evil drug known to man which my body battled and fought for months), "femara" (also evil, used for cancer and ferility ladies), "prometrium" (if u somehow randomly found this in your journey, please send me a message and I'll tell u the hell prometriun is, but that the drug works) "glucophage" (another evil drug, see a trend, also used for diabetics) "IUI", "endometriosis"  "PCOS" and "pain" "lonely" "sad".   It's 2017. So my world...

Loving this newer artist (newer to the U.S.) Florence & the Machine. I can't help but get an overwhelming feeling that no matter how bad things are or could get in the future maybe....just maybe everything is going to be alright. I believe this song is trying to hit the listener's spiritual side. my interpretation, others will be different.

I'm much better. well, most days. It's been 5 months and about 10 days. I do not keep track. I try to forget the entire debacle. I miss her. I wonder about her. Today, I re-gained some of the power I had thought I lost in my heart. She told me she loved me & knows the whole story. I said nothing. I can't. But the knowing, just the knowing.. wow.

Time.... I'd never imagined it would end like this. In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next. I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth. My days used to revolve around you... Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away. I look back with regret.. Why didn't I see this?? I see it all now. Every little piece. i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life. I will remember the moments...

"and you say, it'll be alright.. i'm gonna trust you, i'm gonna look in your eyes. I'd follow you into the light." this song makes me cry which naturally makes it my song of the day.. I feel pretty closed off, closed down right now.. It's a rainy day in Michigan and from someone at home, who left their job 5 weeks ago for reasons I can't write about just yet, I think I will read.. I've got a pile right now. I'm reading "Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin who is very good.

Trevor came to get me. I was frozen, really. Nothing could get me to walk out on my own. And I cried. I cried for the loss..

Doesn't matter what I want..... as a social worker.. this makes me wish and then feel sad I can't save all of them... doesn't matter what I need.. or if I cry..... this song just makes me think of my job... and the people I cannot save.. no matter how much I Want too..

I'd give anything for a baby.. will be seeing new Fertility Doctor tomorow.

I will follow you into the dark... I hope to always be this close..

We officially have an appointment with a new RE doctor Thursday July 22.2010 I cannot believe i am even excited about THIS as progress but I am since I have waited so long!

I won't be taken advantage of. I won't be used. I am so much stronger that than. I'm more than something to be used when "needed".... Change is coming.. "you're not sorry anymore"..... The lyrics spell it all out... "I've been giving out chances every time And all you do is let me down" "and it's taken me this long, but I've figured you out." It's just time to move on...

I was asked this today... I was offered an opportunity to come up with an idea.. I need to think, find my trusted sources and write it out...

If there ever was a song of the day that truly TRULY depicted me, this is it....

I'm taking the day off tomorrow to reset... do *some* laundry, *some* cleaning, *some* shopping, etc.... Get some good thinking in & listen to some good music....

she came to see me yesterday, put her headphones on me and said, listen to this, it's kinda how I feel about you. "Never simple, never easy" she said to me.. It was a CD I'd let her borrow a few months ago before any of this began. "Never wanted this, Never wanted to see you hurt". "People are people and sometimes things don't work out"... and the worst "Nobody's here to save me". I wouldn't let myself cry.. but damn, she has matured so much in the past year it kills me to know how much she loves me. She has said "You're the only one who loves me"; "you're my best friend" and I work so hard on not crossing boundaries, not caring too much.. but the truth of the matter is I love this girl. I can't control what happens, where she goes.. but I know I've left an impact on her heart. There are lyrics I want say back to her " But it's killing me to see you go after all this time " but...

I hate feeling so lonely. Is it just me? I used to feel like I had so many friends.. but I'm past the point of wanting surface level friends, I want someone who gets me at a much deeper level..

Starting to see a therapist this morning.. wish me luck.. I need some objective views on everything.

Our fertility office is officially closed... sigh... which means once my husband has healed.. we must search for a new doctor.. & the closest locations are at least 1 hour away... lovely, eh?