Sunday, August 31, 2008
It was a heart-breaking loss.
But I will say this...
I have faith.
Faith in Mark Dantonio to turn the corner, to remove the demons from the past.
I know he can do it.
I feel it.
and it's a new day... time to work on Game 2.
See you next weekend.. MSU hosts Eastern Michigan...
I'll be there....
I'll be planning my first tailgate of the season today & tomorrow.
How many visitors??
100? I'm pumped!
Labels: MSU Football
Friday, August 29, 2008
When I finally reach peace at the loss of a friendship that I shed tears for, I receive a card today in the mail.
This came so unexpectedly and I was moved to tears. The card was a simple get well message with a note inside.
I had had a close friendship with this girl.
Will I ever understand people?
I thought this was over. It's been 3.5 months.
What to do?
I'm ever hopeful and genuinely miss her... and 2 other close girlfriends I lost on the same day.
Being let go from a job with no explanation can disrupt the relationships you've developed with people.
I was there on a Tuesday.... and by 9pm that night, my office was emptied.
They knew nothing and neither did I. I hoped the friendships were stronger than the office environment but I was wrong.
Contact was made the day after. They were shocked. and so was I.
Contact wasn't made after that day besides a few emails from the girl who sent the card today.
It hurt like hell but there was nothing I could do.
One cannot force friendships upon people.
So today.... with peace within myself that these friendships were over, I have hope.
I don't know why. I suppose it is part of who I am.
I didn't know what to do but I reached back. I sent her an email. and 5 minutes after 5pm, she texted me.
We shall see. I hope the friendship can be renewed but....... that's yet to be seen..
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Becoming comfortable with who I am.... it isn't always the easiest.
Sometimes others want you to change, be like this, do that..& why?
I want to just be me. I like simplicity. I find joy in simple things. It scares me when I'm told to change. I can't lose myself. I can't lose that joy I have in the smallest things in the world...
Dearest Readers, you'll soon see I use musical lyrics to describe my inner emotions & thoughts... and when being told to change, I relate to this song by Sia, Don't Bring me Down
The song is powerful... and any individual listening could take it either way... for any internal thought... but it speaks to me. It says "don't change", "don't lose the joy" and the struggles of maintaining hold of the fight of the war in my head.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Life, Love and Family....
All on my mind today, readers..... all of which readers include one.... my husband. I can get so down sometimes when things don't go the way I expect & feel lost. Like I should know more about who I am at 3o (yikes! just TURNED 30).
There is so much I love about my life and yet, so much I don't. I'm lucky. I know this. I have amazing friends and a supportive family.
Something seems missing.
Is is the baby I so desperately want to have? I was an only child.. at times I liked & times I didn't. My parents divorced when I graduated high school and I felt completely alone, confused and depressed (totally dumped by my first love)
I met my husband (to be known as T in this blog) in my second year of college. I remember crying so much as I felt in the middle of their divorce. I will never forget the evening he held me as I was crying about their fighting and said "I feel like I have no family now"... I will never forget that night. It was one of the first times of many I fell in Love with T. He said "I'm your family. I will always be your family". It was a moment one does not forget.
T made me feel safe, hopeful and loved as well as excited for the future.
My parents later remarried and this made me incredibly happy. It felt like my family was back together. and to my happiness, they remarried before my wedding to T which was of the most amazing days of my life. T kept his promise.... he IS my family. But I desire more. I want the baby. The medical problems have not allowed us to get pregnant yet. My hope is once completely healed from my surgery we can start to try again to create the family he told me so long ago we would have.
What brought this to my mind today? I was home with my parents, my dad having had a heart procedure yesterday where they thought he had blockage again. Luckily he did not have any blockage and came home. He was weak today. It's so hard to be an only child and deal with parents getting older & having health concerns. They are all I have. T is my family. My parents are so close to me. It's scary when they are weak. It makes me feel so helpless...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I have endometriosis. I generally try to hide how I am feeling to most of the people in my life because they do not understand Endometriosis. I was diagnosed in 2007 by a Laparoscopy, had endo removed from my left ovary. Also found out during this surgery that my left fallopian tube is blocked. I have recently had pain come back with a vengeance this year and was scheduled to have my second surgery on August 18, 2008 (last week) to have my left fallopian tube removed which I was quite frightened about.
My surgery was on Monday, 8.18. I was in so much pain afterward that they admitted me. Istayed in the hospital until 5-6pm on Tuesday. The good news is my surgery went well. They found I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which explains the problems I have been having with my periods. My ovary was connected to my bowel which was one of the reasons for my pain. She surgically implanted something to avoid future adhesion to my bowel. I had this happen last summer where my bowel was attached to my ovary but they did not implant something to avoid it happening again. They removed more endometriosis in this surgery as well. We have all the photos and the main thing I understand is that my ovaries are smooth and they are generally more rough which is consistent with PCOS. The plan is to start Clomid when we go for post-op appointment on 9/4.
I've found a support group online for women who suffer from Endometriosis.
It's such a hidden disease. I find it so hard to explain to people because there isn't anything for anyone to See.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I got the idea for starting my own blog from an unlikely source. I read her blog and felt like I knew her well when I was done reading. I was proud of her strength reading the past year of her life and I wanted to reach out & hug her. It's strange to get inspiration from unlikely sources. But that's how interesting life can be.
I'm going to be as honest as I can here.
I named this blog
"My Home is where my story Begins" .
It is based on the very similar quote which is a favorite of mine "Home is where our story begins...."
I think writing this & opening up about the very intimate thoughts/stressors I have right now will be helpful. I will likely invite others to read as I write more.