My home is where my story begins.....

It's not been the best week... tomorrow is day 7 of 7 working in a row.. so I'm pretty exhausted.. no, it's not for extra money.. it's for events we have at work.. I will take the comp time.. I have Tuesday off, (thank goodness).. tomorrow will be crazy with people everywhere.. it'll take all the patience in the world, I imagine... I've noticed I've just started bottling it up. My feelings, that is. It truly feels like nobody understands.. and whenever I do try to explain, I always end up feeling like it was ME who messed up in trying to explain.. ah, my favorite defense mechanism, just silencing myself/internalizing... and yeah, I'm the one who has her Masters in Social Work, does therapy/case management to help others.. and my emotions are a mess... don't get me wrong, I hide it well. I am EXCELLENT at putting on the front.. behaving as if life is perfect and maintaining complete professionalism.. I just notice lately that nobody.. even the people

It appears I will not ovulate at all this month. No follicles even at this point today. She doesn't seem to think that I will ovulate at all.... It's all very sad... and I cried upon leaving. It feels nobody understands. I do not even understand it myself. I guess next month we'll increase the medication. I'm so down.. I love my husband. But even he doesn't know what to say... one of my best friends is about to not be my best friend anymore --at least that is how it feels --all he&I do is fight all the time --and the fighting has went on for weeks.. Every month it gets harder and harder to take this.. I don't know what to do. It's stressful to know what step to take moving forward.. Luckily I have one more day off this week... my regular annual at the obgyn.. so lovely..

I had my mid-cycle ultrasound this morning... well, it appears I may have ALREADY ovulated.... wtf??? My temp went up on day 11... shot up again this morning... we'll monitor the temperature this weekend and if it stays up, I O'd. Sigh.... I feel like crying. If it goes down...may be able to salvage the cycle..

Nothing fertility wise... just your run-of-the-mill crappy day. I don't know what to do with this friend of mine.. I just don't. It hurts... and it's driving me insane... i hope the loooong weekend away helps.

Today is cd12... I've taken the Femara for the month although I think I had more side effects... had some emotional meltdowns... Parts of me feel sad. It is kind-of hard for everything to remain normal with my friends. gosh, even my parents. My dad doesn't understand. One of my male best friends is dealing with his own crap so he gets irritated with every little word I say. I'm stressed. I was in tears yesterday. I try so hard to be hopeful. It can just be exhausting. Some of me just wants to give up.. and say 'oh well'... My husband is supportive but I know these moods get to him... i HAVE taken up my knitting again though.. I'm working on socks... and I plan to try and make some for gifts to some of my most-loved ones... however, getting their shoe size COULD be difficult... haha.... using a Vogue Knitting Book Am going away for the weekend with my husband's entire extended family so I will be bringing knitting to work on as the "itinerary" calls

Happy 4th of July!!! What a Lovely day to begin my period... so today is CD 1. Cramps.... etc..... GRRRR... I'm seeing the fertility doctor on Monday, July 6th... starting over again...

Song of the day: Fade Into You...

Blood work confirmed what we knew. I am not pregnant. I have an appointment with my RE on Monday July 6th to discuss the meds for next cycle. I think we'll do the same. But they also check for any cysts so that'll be a fun exam....

Which is decidedly the song of the day... A sorta fairy tale by Ms. Tori Amos. This song... as with many... has many interpretations.. take from it what you wish.. I know what it means to me. ~~~~~~~~~~ Blood Test tomorrow morning at the lab.. Can't wait to just get it over. I haven't cried - still taking the dumb progesterone pills - temp still high (DUE to those progesterone pills) and not pregnant.... I wonder why the pain is so intense month after month... I hope it won't be like that.. It was told to me it will happen when it happens... that I hope for...