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the past week....


It's not been the best week... tomorrow is day 7 of 7 working in a row.. so I'm pretty exhausted.. no, it's not for extra money.. it's for events we have at work.. I will take the comp time.. I have Tuesday off, (thank goodness).. tomorrow will be crazy with people everywhere.. it'll take all the patience in the world, I imagine...

I've noticed I've just started bottling it up. My feelings, that is. It truly feels like nobody understands.. and whenever I do try to explain, I always end up feeling like it was ME who messed up in trying to explain.. ah, my favorite defense mechanism, just silencing myself/internalizing... and yeah, I'm the one who has her Masters in Social Work, does therapy/case management to help others.. and my emotions are a mess...

don't get me wrong, I hide it well. I am EXCELLENT at putting on the front.. behaving as if life is perfect and maintaining complete professionalism.. I just notice lately that nobody.. even the people that really get me seem to even notice..

I don't have close friends at work for obvious reasons.. I like alot of my co-workers but have been burned in the past leaving a job and the friends I thought were very close just dropping all contact so my co-workers don't even notice that for at least the past 3 weeks I just sit in my office alone at lunch. I work out in the "country" so there isn't anywhere to really go.... so I just sit quietly, listening to music, thinking... some notice I'm not as talkative.. like 2 co-workers (and my boss) know I'm seeing a fertility doctor. Yeah, they all have toddlers... so that's hard.

It's hard. I try.

Every morning I get up. I am grateful for my husband & our life. But I want more - maybe that's really selfish... the more is wanting a close friend all over again.. not like I can advertise for this.. I've always been a girl that's had a ton of friends.. never an issue.. but with growth&being burned - I've forced myself not to trust so easily, to be careful.. not be as naive as I once was... and while my husband is really supportive.. I want that best friend.. the friend just for me.. not a friend I share with my husband (i.e., a mutual friend or a couple we hang with)... isn't this what we're all looking for?? I feel pretty pathetic even acknowledging this because I don't know how to find that person.. It's pretty rare for me to let someone in deep... maybe I'm losing it..
I know I'm really tired..

My husband and I will see our RE on Tuesday, August 4th. Hopefully next cycle I will ovulate.

I think I'm going to crawl into bed now and either read or knit...
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