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Secret Heart...


I think I've got a secret heart.. the song makes me cry because it's so true. The very secret I'm concealing is the one I'm dying to reveal. Damn - I just about cannot stand it anymore. I'm so tired of pretending to be this person people expect.. I'm mad, ok? I'm angry.. I wouldn't wish this secret ("infertility") on ANYONE..... it feels like a hidden world, seriously.. daily, I swear a part of my heart dies.. is it ever going to happen?? Will I ever be a mommy?

Nothing changes - Nobody know - Nobody understand -- and they never know what to say. The small group of people that do know just say "it'll happen eventually" or "well, you just started THIS med"...
stop!!!!! stop!!!! stop!!!! The comments make it worse - just hug me. offer comfort... meaningless words just make me put up a wall...

I really fight this. I get up everyday. I smile. I think positive. but damn if it isn't lonely.

Secret Heart Why so mysterious? Why so sacred? Why so serious? Maybe you're Just acting tough Let em' in on your secret heart

If someone (other than husband) really tried, I'd let them into my secret heart... but it's closed.. ladies of infertility know this.. I know they do.. We have to act tough.. We have to be serious.. Do you know how hard it is to laugh&be silly around others with babies/toddlers?? It's becoming impossible..

It's almost too much pressure to place on an average friendship --which is why I spoke earlier this week about just craving that best friend --although I don't know why I think that will solve any of this.. maybe it would be my way of opening my secret heart..

I almost giggle at myself as I write, shake my head.. because 99% of the people in my life think I'm this happy, easy-going person without a care in the world... and I say that knowing I can't lie... guess I'm putting on a damn good show.

and welcome to cd1 - seeing the RE Tuesday. *sigh*

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Comments

Amy@LittlePinkDollhouse said…
This whole post feels like it came straight from my heart. I know exactly how you feel. I find comfort in having people like you as my blogger buddies, becasue we can truly understand. <3 Sending lots of hugs your way!
August 2, 2009 at 2:17 PM
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