My home is where my story begins.....

Per my OBGYN, if I do not have a period by day 35, she will start me on 100mg of Clomid next month. I mentioned I thought I O'd on day 19 and had the labs 2 days later and she said the timing of bloodwork and opk's almost need to be perfect. So I have my answer... higher dose of clomid if I don't start period by then..

Nothing to report today except exhaustion as I worked like 13 hours today..... more news on my next month of Clomid tomorrow....

I thought I Ovulated on day 19 based on those OPK tests. This is my first round on Clomid so I went 2 days later to get my blood drawn (last Friday). I called to get the lab results over the phone and they said my progesterone level was 4.59 on that day (cd21). So this basically means I didn't O?? and therefore no chance of pregnancy? :( I really would like to cry. I guess I will talk to hubby and then call the OBGYN tomorrow to talk about moving up from 50mg Clomid for next month. That progesterone level is sooooooooooo low.

No wonder I don't feel good....

Even after a weekend away........ while I felt sick the entire time..... the weekend is about over. I totally wish I had another day to be my "Sunday". I'm wiped out lately. There has been so many changes in my world in the past few months that I try to take it day by day. Physically, the nausea and tired feelings are exhausting.

I'm highly sensitive today. I probably shouldn't be... but I am. As hard as I try to let things be, evolve as they may... I wear my heart on my sleeve (to the extreme I might add).This image really captures how I feel this afternoon. My hands are tied (almost to the every day requirements of my life that we all have) and yet I'm letting the butterfly go... which feels like my way of saying we all need to let go of the little stressors that drive us insane, the control and let things be. This can be really hard for me as I am such a sensitive soul... I could cry in seconds today...

I'm awake..... early.. unfortunately, really.... today is day 21 in my cycle so I have to go to the labs (in a few minutes actually) to get my blood drawn to "check on hormone levels, etc, etc". Not a fan of getting my blood drawn AT ALL. Hopefully it will go well, easy... I couldn't eat/drink after midnight so whenever that happens, I get shaky when they draw my blood.... I think we missed our chance this month to get pregnant. It's like.. whatever.. the day this week we 'took off' was the day I think we needed to be busy. This painting basically depicts how I feel this morning. about this.... a little of that.... and a whole bunch of other.....

I just hate when I find out things about people that I never knew... and don't like. especially when it's something that wasn't ever told to me.

and while I took (2), yes (2) of the OPK tests yesterday in my quest to understand how these things really work... and because I wanted a morning and evening strip, I went for (2) and even had T stare at the little pink lines as well.... we ultimately decided that the lines weren't equal and/or the test line not darker..... so today, I was thinking I'd do the morning and evening thing AGAIN but totally like forgot the morning strip.... so after work, off to POAS I went.. and to my grinning face, the test line is DARKER! Which means I am totally about to Ovulate. so I am totally totally excited! Have also found a great resource for ladies with PCOS: Soul Cysters

I found a site today, a forum really... and found the cutest avatar here.... I'm super hormonal today.. and all confused about these OPK's. (ovulating predictor kits). The lines all look pink. How am I supposed to be some type of expert on whether these lines are dark or REALLY dark?

This whole process of trying to concieve. Geesh. So much information out there. It's frustrating my body doesn't work like everyone else's because of the PCOS and Endometriosis. Yeah, Yeah.. these are the cards I was dealt so I should just suck it up and deal with it... but it can be annoying. Taking Clomid, wondering when I will ovulate, wondering, wondering, wondering..... my husband is pretty supportive.. I mean, he actually recommends I NOT get so worked up, so into reading TTC information online but there are so many products out there to try, to learn about, etc... that I want to try... I don't want to be using Clomid for months and months on end.. eventually adding another medication to the mix to try to help me get pregnant. Today is CD (cycle day)16... so I should be ovulate now.... anytime now please ....... my blood work will be done on Friday 10/24, which is CD21. I'll go in the morning to get my labs done before work. I said this blog would be raw.

Anyone out there want to listen to me complain?? or take care of me?? pamper me?? and listen to me whine?? yeah, I didn't think so.....

I wonder why things can't be easier sometimes. I laugh at the silly things lately that T and I come up with. Still looking for a balance... something is still feeling uneven... like still learning the new job, still focusing 125% energy on my fertility/getting pregnant. Trying to have more fun with this entire process.. trying to balance the business of the fall season of football, not having alot of time for other things in life. Already looking forward to that LONG vacation ahead that begins on Thanksgiving Day. I'm still settling in to things in my life that have changed lately. Thus, life can be difficult and throw us curveballs and confuse us at each and every turn. But it is what it is.... I'm working on finding balance... and reaching my ultimate goal.

I really dig this song lately.

Luckily I wasn't working and was upnorth relaxing with my husband friends on Mackinac Island because the Clomid certainly made me tearful, nauseaus and dizzy. I was glad to be able to take it more easy than if I were working...

Bowl Eligible and ready to have campus full of energy when the Buckeyes come to town next weekend!!! GO GREEN!!!

The day started out pretty good. I was smiling and in a relatively good mood... as the day wore on, my back started to ache and I experienced a few mood swings... felt like crying a few times.. I would say that for the most part I made it through. I am more tired/exhausted than normal but I think that was to be expected considering I worked 10.5 hours today as well.... I want a good night's rest tonight for sure... am glad tomorrow is Friday.. and off to a LONG NEEDED weekend away!

Ok ok..... I'm here... took the medicine a little bit ago. Can only wait to see how it reacts to my body. I was a little nervous, anxious today as I was awaiting to start this process. I know, I know.. it seems my entries are all focused around me taking Clomid but it's the most important thing going on in my life right now... I'm really glad we're going away for the weekend somewhere really relaxing.. i think it will be great for my mind, body & soul while making it through the next 5 days! I need as much support from my friends as I can get right now... and it feels not everyone really understands what I am going through.. I suppose that is to be expected.. Hopefully my mood stays even through the night.... giggling..... Listening to a new band today that was recommended for me.... TV on the Radio Enjoying it quite a bit!

Growth.... I feel like I am growing in the direction of a new beginning. I'm scared, nervous and excited about the start of the fertility medication tomorrow night. I've been waiting for over a year to finally be at this point where we can begin this stage of our journey. In a way, I feel like crying. Not for any specific reason that I can think of really... just that the process as a whole involves several emotions for me. I'm trying to be more private about things than I have in the past. Going to be relaxing as much as possible over the next 5 days while we start Clomid. Luckily, we're going on a mini-vacation from Friday night to Tuesday. We'll be heading up to Mackinac Island, staying at the Windemere Bed&Breakfast. We're heading up there with 2 other couples of which we are close friends with. The past 6 weeks have been crazy and I think this is just what we need right now.

This week we are starting a new beginning... well, a new beginning of a sort. This is one of the reasons that I decided to write a blog really... for me to process my feelings. I started my period on Saturday the 3rd which means that we're beginning the first Round of Clomid this week. I take the first pill on Wednesday which is day 5 for me. I'm excited, nervous... a little unsure of what the medication will be like for me.. but I've been waiting it seems forever to get to this point where I would be ready to take this medication to hopefully help me concieve....

Ah... Homecoming. The weather is good. Feels like Fall finally . I remember growing up how Homecoming was such a big deal.. seems different now.... ( as I giggle because T just called stuck on campus @ MSU trying to pick up catering for our tailgate) . Homecoming is about traditions, people coming together, bringing the past into the present. Remembering our past... old friends mixed with new friends.. at least that's how I see it. It was an odd feeling to get the email from the old girlfriends from work this morning wanting to know where my new tailgate spot is so they could visit.... Although I've not heard from them in months..... it almost seems fitting that on homecoming weekend, they would choose to get in touch.. It is interesting to say the least... I still think of them with fond memories and wish they had maintained contact when I reached out to them... but they did not... and of that I have no control. I'm living my life... and embracing what each day brings.. S

This week has been crazy.... and I've been missing in action here.... I've got to get in a better habit of writing here...