Sometimes things seem difficult.....

I wonder why things can't be easier sometimes. I laugh at the silly things lately that T and I come up with. Still looking for a balance... something is still feeling uneven... like still learning the new job, still focusing 125% energy on my fertility/getting pregnant. Trying to have more fun with this entire process.. trying to balance the business of the fall season of football, not having alot of time for other things in life. Already looking forward to that LONG vacation ahead that begins on Thanksgiving Day.

I'm still settling in to things in my life that have changed lately. Thus, life can be difficult and throw us curveballs and confuse us at each and every turn. But it is what it is.... I'm working on finding balance... and reaching my ultimate goal.

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It's been 8 weeks and a day...

Time.... I'd never imagined it would end like this. In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next. I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth. My days used to revolve around you... Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away. I look back with regret.. Why didn't I see this?? I see it all now. Every little piece. i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life. I will remember the moments...

that was it..

Trevor came to get me. I was frozen, really. Nothing could get me to walk out on my own. And I cried. I cried for the loss..

Today is February 9th, 2011. & this is where I am.

I'm much better. well, most days. It's been 5 months and about 10 days. I do not keep track. I try to forget the entire debacle. I miss her. I wonder about her. Today, I re-gained some of the power I had thought I lost in my heart. She told me she loved me & knows the whole story. I said nothing. I can't. But the knowing, just the knowing.. wow.

My home is where my story begins.....

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