Trying to remain chill...

Damn, it's HARD.... emotions are up, down & all around in wonder... they call this the 2-week wait..

I'm trying to remain stress-free. My husband will be gone for the weekend but I have things to keep me occupied. I'm going to organize our office, I didn't get to this the last time he was gone.. Netflix is sending me some girl movies.. I am going to do some shopping for some cute work skirts.. and KNITTING... I have wanted to get into my knitting again... never seems like I have the time... but I want to keep my mind occupied.. on the right things.. not on the desire to do a home pregnancy test.. Friend recommended waiting to do it with my husband.... I promised.. because if negative, I might get really emotional and be upset that I am alone...

but seriously, last time he went away, I was a wreck the week before he was heading away... Don't know why.. but this time seems more OK...

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It's been 8 weeks and a day...

Time.... I'd never imagined it would end like this. In time, something new will grow. How long will it take to feel it? I don't know how to be something that will grow right now. I hope to see the sunshine, lay down on the ground, stare up at the sky and think about what is next. I didn't think I'd live like this..... Time... growth. My days used to revolve around you... Who had a sick need to give... and take it ALL away. I look back with regret.. Why didn't I see this?? I see it all now. Every little piece. i still remember the look on your face when I woke you... i can still feel your energy.. I don't know how to be something that you'll miss.. It's your smile and love I will forever remember... I hope I am something you will miss.. I hope I made an impact on your beautiful life. I will remember the moments...

that was it..

Trevor came to get me. I was frozen, really. Nothing could get me to walk out on my own. And I cried. I cried for the loss..

Today is February 9th, 2011. & this is where I am.

I'm much better. well, most days. It's been 5 months and about 10 days. I do not keep track. I try to forget the entire debacle. I miss her. I wonder about her. Today, I re-gained some of the power I had thought I lost in my heart. She told me she loved me & knows the whole story. I said nothing. I can't. But the knowing, just the knowing.. wow.

My home is where my story begins.....

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